(In the small case that you do not know me, this is supposed to be taken tongue-in-cheekily. I only have ONE crush in my life….and you know who you are!)

I admit it, I am addicted to The Food Network. I have always enjoyed cooking, LOVED cooking….but then I had children. Now I enjoy microwaving, standing up while eating and having a bowl of cereal for dinner. At some point in my myriad career changes, I strongly considered going back to school in order to study pastry chefery.

Also, TFN is one of the few channels on TV that are completely kid-safe. I am violently opposed to violence on TV and hate that my children are subjected to extreme images…even, especially rather, on children’s channels. Their constant exposure to graphic and violent images, has led us to watching only The Food Network and The Weather Channel.

So, this household spends a lot of time learning to cook, if not actually cooking. Coco even falls asleep to Iron Chef America (the one that is on at midnight..not the one at 7!)

No one can watch a channel so much without developing deeper feelings for some of the personalities…I am just glad it is not with Ryan Seacrest.

Here is my list of Food Network Crushes:

I have to admit my biggest crush is on the human Q-Tip, Giada DeLaurentis of Everyday Italian. Now, before you go and crucify me by implying that I like her only because of her, ummm, chesticular endowments, please know that you couldn’t be further from the truth. My attraction to her begins and ends with the way she says “mozzarella” with a perfect Italian lilt. Listening to her read a menu is like listening to Cecelia Bartoli belt out a Mozart aria. I am enraptured in both scenarios but with Giada, it includes food, so advantage Giada.

Next comes Ina Gartner, of the Barefoot Contessa. Not normally my “type” but oh my goodness, her breathy voice, coupled with her no-holds-barred suck-face she does with hubby, and I am fanning myself. You can just tell that she is a tigress.

Next on the list would be Bobby Flay of Iron Chef America, et al. If I cooked with that spatula, I would be into him. He is the only one who can pull off the Iron Chef arms-crossed stare-down with the authenticity of a professional wrestler. Also, he is married to that hottie from Law and Order, SVU. If I were them, I would just put the bed in the kitchen.

No list of Food Network Babes would be complete without the closest thing they have to a pornstar, Nigella, of Nigella Bites. I sincerely believe she has at least one orgasm during the taping of her show. Cooking as foreplay…I’m in!

The hippest of the Geek Chic is Alton Brown of Good Eats. If I were on TFN, I would be Alton Brown. No one can make the science of toasting bread more interesting. With all the cheesy props used on the show, I would be happy to be the guy dressed in a foam carrot costume on the set.

I used to think Rachel Ray belonged on this list. She is clearly adorable and has that squishable laugh. That is what I used to think…then she tried to carry out her plan for world domination and has become so over-exposed, that I think I am starting to see her in my family photos…this chick is everywhere! I’m out on the “Yummo.”

My least favorite TFN stars (with no offense to them…just in case they are out Googling themselves right now)

Michael Chiarello of Easy Entertaining with Michael Chiarello - Is this guy even Italian? Putting oregano on freedom fries and serving them in an orchid vase, does not constitute crush-worthiness.

Anthony Bourdain of I’ll Eat Anything I Can Put in My Face (officially of the Travel Channel) - I love this show and I love the way he higlights how purely random our food tastes are. In this country, we can eat fried chicken embryos with reckless abandon, but squirm at the thought of eating cow tongue. But Anthony’s main-lined nicotine-induced anorexia, wears thin. I think he is spending more time looking for heroin in the bazaars than he is looking for eel testicles, but I guess I would be too.

Paula Deen of I’ll Have a Stick of Butter with That, Please - I am sorry Southern-accented people, but “You All” only has two syllables, not twelve. I must admit to loving the fact that there is a pound of lard in every one of her recipes from lard soup to key lard pie.

That OCD guy, Marc Summers of Unwrapped. I like watching how they make Bosco but I think the show would do fine without him on that fake diner set with those fake diner people having fake diner conversations in the background. He always looks like he can’t stand any of the food he is talking about. They always put a bowl of something in front of him and he looks at it like it is filled with cow tongues.

Al Roker - Duh!

Robin Miller of Quck Fix Meals - I am was ready to move her up the list, but she looks too much like Katie Couric and that scares me. Plus she needs to show me that she can do more with food than throw it into a crock pot. Just because I am too busy to cook, doesn’t mean you should be too. It may be “quick” to throw everything in a pot, but it takes four days to cook this stuff.

Sandra Lee from Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee - What world does she live in? Do any of you redecorate your kitchen to match your dinner? My kitchen is usually redecorated WITH dinner! Do you put artichokes in a fish bowl and use it as a centerpiece? Can you cook with those outfits she wears? Every single sleeve extends past her hands! How does a human cook like that. I cook in nothing but an apron (scorch your retinas now) and here she is wearing clothes that make her look like a negative image of Morticia from the Addams Family. Perhaps in Stepford Wives-Land, you can do that, but not in the world in which I live. Plus, I am not about to sprinkle Jello powder on Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and call it dessert.

Just my opinion….until I change it.