Blame stinks. I chuckle when I think about how my Grandma Sophie used her supersonic hearing when ironing in the basement to yell upstairs to my Dad, “Stephen, get out of the cookies!” She could hear a mouse sneeze from two doors over, but my Dad, who I love dearly, probably was doing his upmost to tip-toe into the cookie jar, and my grandmother caught him. And, because he’s an only child, and because he has no shame (nor do I) in a delight of my grandmother’s unreal baking skills, there was literally NO ONE on which to plant the blame. So, he owned it.

So, as life and our choices grow more complex, the stakes go up exponentially. As does the distance you can fall and the embarrassment factor. One of my biggest rules I live by is if you do the right thing to start, you don’t have to backpeddle to right it. Less embarrassment, less confrontation, just easier. It gets tiring and hurtful if you continue to hurt someone’s feelings, then spend the obligatory “I’m sorry” time later. After a period of time, I have said to people who repeatedly have hurt me, “The sorry is nice. But please stop doing it in the first place.”

My grandfather who just passed away stated, “if you do something wrong the first time, OK. If you do it again, you’re an idiot.” He was a wise, hilarious, and blunt man and didn’t like excuses. I have to say, I agree. If you choose to go the decent path and learn from your past foibles, and be sensitive to others, it’s easier. But we are all human and err and don’t always “think.” But when you make an err in judgment, do not blame others. Take responsibility. You will only gain in character and strength by taking ownership. If you blame another (falsely), how will this help you? Perhaps you’ll have a painless moment, instead of risking someone’s hurt feelings or ire. I imagine it’s like taking credit for another person’s work. You get the kudos, but where’s the deep satisfaction?

I feel as though we are all on a giant bar going up towards the good place and down towards the toasty warm place with the dude with the horns. You help a blind lady across the street…a few notches up. You cheat on your taxes…a few notches down. And you get a taste of where you are going if you continue one direction or another. The blind lady thanks you…you feel a glow for an hour. After you “get away” with your tax fraud, you feel a sick sense of guilt (or it manifests in poor relationships with others or advanced aging.) Does anyone who cheats on his or her wife seem happy to you? Yeah, maybe they feel a thrill or rush, but I guarantee you it doesn’t translate to happiness. Of course, there are the select few sociopaths who don’t own a conscience. But that is not the norm.

Your deeds may help or hurt other people, but in the end, they impact where you lie on the goodness scale. Multiple religions profess reincarnation as a possibility as well. You do better this time around, and when you come back, you are now one step closer to nirvana or whatever you’d like to call it. You hurt a whole lot of people, and lie and cheat and steal, and wham, next time around, you are a maggot in a can of beans. Karma’s a bitch, but there’s a reason for it. Accountability is the rule of the game. You did it…it affects you physically, emotionally, spiritually, whether you admit it or not.

The world is full of blamers, me included. It doesn’t feel good to be or do wrong or to have it pointed out. It stinks, in fact. But if you take charge of your actions, you will feel a more lasting sense of decency. You will set a good example. Nothing is more satisfying and difficult than taking responsibility for your own actions. The reward is lasting and tomorrow is always another opportunity to do better and bump up a few notches.

So, try to acknowledge one good deed a day. Hopefully you will build to more. Kindness is hip. Perhaps it’s unfashionable in certain fast-paced aggressive locales, I will leave nameless. You can still have a spine, be tough, and get your way. You can still maintain a bawdy sense of humor. I’m not professing boring, unadulterated cheese. Or to allow others to manipulate you by assuming you’ll be nice, when nice means belittling your will. I am just stating that the WAY things are done as important as the thing itself.

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” Henry James