Blame stinks. I chuckle when I think about how my Grandma Sophie used her supersonic hearing when ironing in the basement to yell upstairs to my Dad, “Stephen, get out of the cookies!” She could hear a mouse sneeze from two doors over, but my Dad, who I love dearly, probably was doing his upmost to tip-toe into the cookie jar, and my grandmother caught him. And, because he’s an only child, and because he has no shame (nor do I) in a delight of my grandmother’s unreal baking skills, there was literally NO ONE on which to plant the blame. So, he owned it.

So, as life and our choices grow more complex, the stakes go up exponentially. As does the distance you can fall and the embarrassment factor. One of my biggest rules I live by is if you do the right thing to start, you don’t have to backpeddle to right it. Less embarrassment, less confrontation, just easier. It gets tiring and hurtful if you continue to hurt someone’s feelings, then spend the obligatory “I’m sorry” time later. After a period of time, I have said to people who repeatedly have hurt me, “The sorry is nice. But please stop doing it in the first place.”

My grandfather who just passed away stated, “if you do something wrong the first time, OK. If you do it again, you’re an idiot.” He was a wise, hilarious, and blunt man and didn’t like excuses. I have to say, I agree. If you choose to go the decent path and learn from your past foibles, and be sensitive to others, it’s easier. But we are all human and err and don’t always “think.” But when you make an err in judgment, do not blame others. Take responsibility. You will only gain in character and strength by taking ownership. If you blame another (falsely), how will this help you? Perhaps you’ll have a painless moment, instead of risking someone’s hurt feelings or ire. I imagine it’s like taking credit for another person’s work. You get the kudos, but where’s the deep satisfaction?

I feel as though we are all on a giant bar going up towards the good place and down towards the toasty warm place with the dude with the horns. You help a blind lady across the street…a few notches up. You cheat on your taxes…a few notches down. And you get a taste of where you are going if you continue one direction or another. The blind lady thanks you…you feel a glow for an hour. After you “get away” with your tax fraud, you feel a sick sense of guilt (or it manifests in poor relationships with others or advanced aging.) Does anyone who cheats on his or her wife seem happy to you? Yeah, maybe they feel a thrill or rush, but I guarantee you it doesn’t translate to happiness. Of course, there are the select few sociopaths who don’t own a conscience. But that is not the norm.

Your deeds may help or hurt other people, but in the end, they impact where you lie on the goodness scale. Multiple religions profess reincarnation as a possibility as well. You do better this time around, and when you come back, you are now one step closer to nirvana or whatever you’d like to call it. You hurt a whole lot of people, and lie and cheat and steal, and wham, next time around, you are a maggot in a can of beans. Karma’s a bitch, but there’s a reason for it. Accountability is the rule of the game. You did it…it affects you physically, emotionally, spiritually, whether you admit it or not.

The world is full of blamers, me included. It doesn’t feel good to be or do wrong or to have it pointed out. It stinks, in fact. But if you take charge of your actions, you will feel a more lasting sense of decency. You will set a good example. Nothing is more satisfying and difficult than taking responsibility for your own actions. The reward is lasting and tomorrow is always another opportunity to do better and bump up a few notches.

So, try to acknowledge one good deed a day. Hopefully you will build to more. Kindness is hip. Perhaps it’s unfashionable in certain fast-paced aggressive locales, I will leave nameless. You can still have a spine, be tough, and get your way. You can still maintain a bawdy sense of humor. I’m not professing boring, unadulterated cheese. Or to allow others to manipulate you by assuming you’ll be nice, when nice means belittling your will. I am just stating that the WAY things are done as important as the thing itself.

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” Henry James

OK, not exactly, but I had the wildest idea. To set up a mini movie staring, guess who…Grandma Sophie! She is marvelously entertaining and would have made quite the styling comedian in her day, but for purposes of posterity and honor, I am opting to videotape my petite grandma.

From where might you ask did this idea arise? While playing gin rummy the other night with my ruthless card shark Grandma. I’ve learned from my medical training and just common sense, that by continual stimulation, she comes alive and remains as much the grandma I always knew as the one I love sitting in front of me. So, by sitting quietly, she will ask me similar questions…and sometimes gets distressed knowing that she probably asked me the same thing 5 minutes ago. If I am a more interesting hostess, like I was the other night, I kept the conversation flowing. And this time, I delved into the past. One particularly hilarious moment that made me realize..I must tape this..was when I asked her about her grandmother. “Well, she was a very aggressive woman, Abby.” I laughed out loud. Apparently a meticulous one too. My poor, sweet great grandfather was quite tortured but so good natured. Sarah, was her name, used to say, “Morris…I see a spot on the floor over there. Please go see what that is.” So, needless to say, he was a very busy man OUTSIDE of the house. Always an errand, a second job, whatever to find a bit of peace. So, I can’t wait to hear more.

A bit about Alzheimer’s. The formation and maintenance of NEW memories are the issue. Where did I put my keys? Where did you move to? What did I eat today? Those memories are hard to keep. You will find yourself (as I do), repeatedly reminding my grandmother that we saw each other last week or that she just ate Chinese food. The vast array of old memories are intact and alive. And one last detail. If a sharp cookie, one remains so. Of course, until the disease progresses such that basic skills and personality is eroded. So, my project focuses on learning more about the person she is and about her history.

So, this project requires 3 things.

1. A video camera




2. A list of questions (A phenomenal resource is here from Real Simple and the attached article.)




3. Grandma Sophie

As my grandma always love to say when I ask her what mischief she’s gotten herself into…”One thing I have these days is time.” So, I plan to take advantage and make her feel a movie star for the day.

Happiness can be found not in a jar of peanut butter or a Rolls Royce, my friends. The joy is temporary or shallow, but lasting joy is found in building relationships, making others feel good, accomplishing goals, and doing the right thing. You can get little boosts from a lovely new coat, a wink from a cute dude at work, or your paycheck. These are not insignificant. But what transforms these bits into happiness that lasts is different. If you ever stopped to think about why you feel happy, try it sometimes. It might not be as easy to figure out as you thought.

Take your paycheck. Is it the color green that floats your boat or the new dress you can buy? Or does the positivity persist when you feel the accomplishment of gaining employment, succeeding on the job, feeling proud of making a living, being independent and affording the possibility of showering yourself and others with generosity.

So, my latest boost comes in the form of a 4′11″ feisty Grandma named Sophie. She’s hilarious, witty, sharp as a tack, except for the fact that she now suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. She forgets short term details, and the way I’ve coped is by coming up with new ways of answering. It is trying at times, I’ll admit, especially when she is quite focused on difficulties that have happened in my life more recently. But, I try to remember, she is probably frightened by her memory loss (that I know she realizes) and really does care about me.

My grandmother recently lost her sister, 7 years her junior. She basically helped raise her and after my great-grandmother died, my grandmother was her sounding board, her shoulder to lean on, the chef extraordinare to replace my great-grandmother’s sublime cuisine. My grandma was devastated. She’s a tough cookie, but she kept forgetting then remembering the loss. It was so sad to watch.

My grandmother lives in a lovely assisted living place near to our home, and we scooped up my grandmother and drove a long drive up and back for the funeral. The night we arrived, my grandmother and I and my parents stayed in a nearby hotel. Aside from the thermostat wars (my grandmother prefer a subSaharan breeze INDOORS) and her insistence that I brush my teeth, even though I am well above the age of needing this kind of reminding :) (5 times as she forgot she asked), I felt great joy being there for her. I didn’t realize this until she told me later that day (”your presence is a great comfort to me.”) I knew she might forget our interaction and even the funeral, but I feel strongly that her emotional memory may remain. And the help I provided made me feel good. I assisted her in carrying her bags, finding her pajamas, putting on her shoes. All of this is not to imply I am Mother Teresa, but that I felt immense, long-lasting joy in doing for her, and spending time with my little grandmother. And that has kept me smiling for a week in counting.

Well, if you’re like me, you’ve probably bought enough items online that you are the proud parent of a junk-filled mailbox. And, after 20+ years of shopping, my mailbox is a fat, hungry bastard. If you have a busy life to boot and have a variety of activities or interests, you will get tons of information coming your way as well. For the icing on the cake, emails and house phone calls and mobile calls are flying in, and it can get pretty hairy and overwhelming fast. The key is to have a system (for your mail and life) and to be ruthless in tossing unimportant items. So, here are a few QUICK and easy tips for dealing with the ever exploding amount of stuff that flows in.

1. Organize your attack.

Grab the following: the trash can, your pile of mail, a basket (for reading), and a basket you should label (ACTION) and a ruthless attitude.

1. Sort

I recommend touching each piece of mail once. You should sort the mail into categories:

• Not mine: (put in bins for others in the household)


• Trash: (clearly junk and you have no use for it now or ever) and it goes right into the bin or shredder first if has sensitive information or you are just paranoid


• Reading: (magazines, journals, etc.); Put in reading baskets in the loo (aka bathroom), near your bed and the couch. Anywhere you might read. These are important, but should not be confused with action items.


• Action: These are items that require you to do something and should be go directly into your ACTION box (this sorting process is another blog entry). Possible items are items with a due date and those without.
  a. Due date: Whatever the item is, if it has a due date, put the date right into your paper or electronic planner or calendar; put any associated To Do items onto your To Do list. And if you need to keep the mail item until the due date, put it in the ACTION box and toss afterwards. If any item must be referred to again (a bill, receipt, note), you can take the item out of the ACTION box and place into your file system.

Examples: A wedding invitation for Aunt Biddy came in the mail. She’s marrying Mr. Booby on July 30th, 2008. The date should go onto your calendar and you should write to-do’s on to your list: buy gift, arrange flight/hotel, buy card, etc. On your To-Do calendar, either put a date associated or highlight to show these are important items.

Other possibilities would be bills. You put the due date on your calendar and then the to-do on your priority list. When the bill is paid, you can file the bill away in your file system.

b. Items without a due date: These may still be important items and you may need to create a due date for each so they actually happen. But some may not be as vital relating to a catalog item you might want to buy, a note from a friend you must respond to or a coupon for Banana Republic. The key is to find the practical task that is associated and write this information on your to-do list and to keep the associated information (if necessary to keep–otherwise toss) in an Action file/basket.

FINAL POINTS:
-This whole process should take a MAXIMUM of 5 minutes AND should occur in the first 5 minutes that you open your house or apartment door.
-And finally, in order for this system to work, you must LOOK at your to-do list, constantly be reworking it and also your calendar. I have a Blackberry (or a Blueberry, which I like to call it), but that is only if it adds to your life and doesn’t drive you mad. This is another topic, for another time.

OK, so I stumbled a ton of friends' sites.

http://www.seecoreyrun.blogspot.com
http://www.cookingwithcorey.blogspot.com
http://www.dianealdred.com
http://musicunbound.blogspot.com
http://www.feedyoursoul.biz
http://245andcounting.blogspot.com/
http://dolcepress.com/blog/
http://jcrewaholic.blogspot.com/
http://ladybugteaco.blogspot.com/
http://papercrave.com/
http://www.platinumblondelife.com/
http://wfdinfo.blogspot.com/
http://coffee-n-wisdom.com/
http://www.lifesconnection.blogspot.com/
http://activerain.com/blogs/bandersohn
http://www.weswyatt.com/blog/
http://activerain.com/midori
http://www.becausedammitimustblog.blogspot.com/
http://othejoys.blogspot.com/
http://vdogandlittleman.blogspot.com/
http://www.polliwogspond.com/
http://www.stephanmiller.com/
http://www.smart-parenting.com/cmsi/index.php