Have you ever had to call your doctor's office for advice on a medical condition? If so you have more than likely had to leave a message and wait for the nurse to call you back. Here are some handy tips for leaving an effective message at your doctor's office.

1. Start your message by saying "hi this is Mary" and then don't give a last name. The nurse is sure to recognize your voice and will be able to pick you out from the 300 other Mary's. If you do give a last name say it really quickly after your first name so that they run together into one fun, new name. e.g. "this is Marybell instead of Mary Bell".




2. Never spell your last name, especially when giving a last name that is unique, has a silent letter or two or is pronounced nothing like it is spelled.




3. Don't bother to give your phone number for a return call. Simply state "you know how to reach me". The nurse will enjoy looking your number up in your chart. This is especially fun for the nurse if you have changed your number at some point and haven't bothered to inform the doctor's office of the change.




4. If the message asks you to give your date of birth, simply state "i'm old" while chuckling instead of giving an actual date. It's much more fun for your nurse to play 'eenie meenie minie mo' with the list of 50 John Smith's than to have you actually specify which one you are.




5. Some machines will let you talk for 15 minutes or more. Make sure you use up every possible second of that time you can. In fact, if the machine cuts you off, call back and talk some more. If you have nothing left to say then say "now again that's..." and repeat it all again.




6. Make sure you state the date and the time you called. Your machine at home might tell you the date and time of a message but surely the one at your doctor's office doesn't have that kind of modern technology.




7. If you haven't gotten a call back within 20 minutes, be sure to call again. Keep calling every 20 minutes until you finally get to talk to someone. The other 50 people who are calling in are not nearly as important as you and that blister on your toe.




8. Use code words for your embarassing medical conditions. Tinkle instead of urintate, number two instead of bowel movement, that area down there or my private area instead of vagina or penis. The doctor heard too many of these words in medical school and appreciate your discretion.




9. Be sure to mention that although you can hardly breath, you're coughing like a seal and there is green mucus oozing our of every hole in your face that you really don't have time to come in. This also works when you fall down and notice your finger is suddenly pointed sideways and you have a 10 inch gash in your leg. Why should you have to waste your precious time going to see the doctor?




10. Always, always try to diagnose yourself before calling. This will certainly save both the nurse and the doctor a ton of time. Inform them that they really just need to call you out an antibiotic. You are quite sure that will clear up that pesky case of the bird flu you've got.