Why did I chose to call myself The Bitter Queen?

Through my life I have had many things happen that made me bitter. There was nothing that added to my bitterness more than what I am about to share with you though.

After the birth of my second child, my (then) husband and I made the decision that we did not want any more children. For me that decision was based on the fact that I really did not want any more children with HIM rather than actually not wanting more children.

I loved (still love) my kids more than anything or anyone ever in my life. Being their mother was the best thing I had ever experienced.

As much as I loved being a mom, I knew that having any more children with their father was not a good idea. When I got pregnant with our son (our 2nd child) he was not happy. It was perfectly clear that he did not want more children. He was a very good father to our daughter so this revelation came as a very big surprise. I knew that a 3rd child with him would really not be a good idea. After the birth of my son, I had my tubes tied.

For reasons I now look back on and shake my head at for my stupidity... I had no plans to leave this man. Luckily, my point of view on that changed and I did eventually leave.

I later met a very wonderful man and although I had no plans to fall in love and get married... well, life is not really run by our plans is it? I did fall in love and a year later we were married.

My husband is an incredible man and more than that, he is an incredible father to my kids. He treated his step children as though they were his own (ya, he still does). They were just as in love with him as he was with them. Watching him with my son and daughter I knew that I wanted more children with this man.

This is where the bitterness really took hold. My ex-husband, the one who actually did not want children was now completely capable of having more kids. I was not!

My husband and I had briefly discussed the idea of tubal ligation reversal. The subject would occasionally come up as the years went by. We never really talked seriously about it. For some reason it never felt right.

At the beginning of 2006, as we were half way through our 4th year of marriage, I again felt the desire to have a child with my wonderful husband. The feeling was stronger than it had ever been. Still, the idea of the tubal reversal did not feel right. That is when I began to explore the idea of adoption.

After researching adoption for about a week I was ready to bring the idea up to my husband. I wondered what he would think. How he would react. I knew that he had been everything a father should be and more for my kids and they were not biologically his. I knew in my heart that such things as DNA did not matter to him. Still I did not know how he would react to the suggestion of adoption.

One night as we lay down in our bed I told him that I wanted a baby. He simply looked at me. I told him then that I would like for us to adopt one. He pulled me close in a tight hug and kissed me. "I love you" he said, "and I love you even more for suggesting this". A decision was made. We were going to adopt.

I had let the fact that my ex could have more children when I could not make me bitter for years. Suddenly with this one decision I realized that I was bitter over nothing. My love for my children and my love of being a mom helped me to find what I really needed. Another biological child was not the path that was meant for me. Instead I was to journey around the world to a country I had never heard of before to find the last piece of my heart waiting for me in an orphanage.

So, the name? The Bitter Queen? What better reminder that the things that make us bitter are often the things that lead us down the path where we belong!