I read Politics, Philosophy and Economics at Magdalen College, Oxford, following which I fell into a cushy job in publishing, from where I was able to build up useful contacts with stars of the British literary firmament.

I have unfeasibly large but beautiful breasts which guarantee me weekly exposure in the tabloid rags.

I am having it off with the entire England soccer squad (apart from Wayne Rooney - there are limits) which guarantees me weekly exposure in the tabloid rags.

I had the most miserable childhood - and if you ask me, I'll write it all down for you. No holds barred.

I am a famous TV chef.

If any of the above were true, I'd have a literary agent and publishing deal by now for my recently completed novel.

I live happily in rural France with my husband and young son. Erm...that bit is true.

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