Why is it that “Not Feeling Well” in the minds of children constitutes carte blanche to abandon all pretenses of civilized behavior?? I Protest!! There will be order!!!

HOUSE RULES:

*No biting
*No kicking
*No hitting
*No scratching
*No yelling
*No screaming
*No running with pointy objects or in high-heeled Cinderella shoes
*No name calling
*No singing of Backyardigans, Wonder Pets or Wiggles songs
*No playing in the toilet
*Bathroom doors are to stay closed at all times except when exiting or entering
*Ditto for closet doors, office doors, and the door to the master bedroom
*Bedroom doors belonging to children’s rooms must stay open at all times
*Only a sane amount of toilet paper is permitted in one sitting
*Band-Aids may only be accessed for the purpose of using them in the manner stated clearly on the box
*The use of color crayons is restricted to the dining room table during supervised coloring sessions and permitted only on provided writing materials
*Ditto for Play-Doh
*The use of Sharpie markers is strictly prohibited
*Absolutely no toddler access to toothpaste or any conceivable form of tape, paint, glue or glitter at any time without direct maternal supervision
*Under no circumstances may paternal supervision be construed as equivalent to maternal supervision
*Banana slices may not be used either as finger puppets or as shampoo
*No feeding the kitty baby food
*No feeding the baby kitty food
*No playing with the ice dispenser
*No exceeding the recommended daily allotment of Kleenex or baby wipes without filing of the proper consent forms
*No climbing the refrigerator or any other scalable surfaces on the premises
*No eating of yogurt, ice cream, jello, pudding, peanut butter, or jam without direct adult supervision
*No stuffing of kitties or small children into dwelling spaces intended to only be inhabited by Fisher Price Little People
*Absolutely no licking of the mirrors, windows or patio doors or any other hard surface intended to be clean and shiny
*Toothbrushes are to be used for cleaning only the teeth to which they have been assigned to and nothing else
*No chasing the kitty
*No bopping the baby
*No jumping on anything or anyone except Dad
*Absolutely no participation is permitted in any activity directly or indirectly resulting in clean-up requiring in excess of three Mr. Clean Magic Sponges
*Only one pair of underwear is to be worn at any one time
*No yanking of the tot-locked cabinets open by sheer brute force
*No hiding of the tot-lock key magnets
*Absolutely no hiding of anything else either
*Individuals leaving tubes of Desitin or anything with chemical properties similar to those of Desitin within toddler reach will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law
*It is not permissible to access to any of Mommy’s makeup or anything in her purse at any time
*No cramming of anything real or imaginary into the couch cushions or into the sound hole of Mommy’s harp--Ever
*No stocking feet outside
*No shoes inside
*No shredding of any form of paper unless you have an OfficeMax manual to prove you are a bona fide paper shredder
*Visitors must enter at their own risk and may be required to sign the following disclaimer:

DISCLAIMER OF LIABILITY

Neither the Family In Residence nor any of its agents or consultants shall be liable for any improper or incorrect use of the information described and/or contained herein and assumes no responsibility for anyone’s use of the information. In no event shall The Family In Residence or its agents or consultants be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, exemplary, consequential, psychological or emotional damages as a result of your visit. Refunds will not be provided due to dissatisfaction with the facilities either upon or after arrival. If the house staff are unable to provide the expected level of service for any reason, including but not limited to service outages, toddler tantrums, acts of war, God, or negligence of any form, neither The Family In Residence nor any of its agents or consultants may be held liable for any costs or damages, real or imaginary.