How did I get to be #1 in the Fiction section?? Seriously! Maybe it'll even out and tomorrow I'll be #55 or something?

When I first started Erin Legs I wanted it to be a place where I could be honest and write about all the different trials and triumphs and go along with raising a micro prem. I also wanted it to a place where family and friends could go to check up on Erin's progress. I'm fast learning that the two don't work together.

How can I write about Erin's weight loss, her refusal to eat enough and all the things that really worry me while trying not to alarm my family? The point of the website was to lessen, if not out right stop, the endless phone calls to find out how Erin was doing, if I write that she's lost 100g or that she's reacting badly to whole milk that's only going to trigger more calls. More panic.

So now I find myself without a place to sit and write about how worried I am about her weight gain - or lack there of. You see a baby born two weeks before Erin weighing 200g/7oz more than her just returned from his most recent follow up paediatrics appointment having gained over 600g/1.3lbs in three months while we, with 4 weeks left until our appointment have gained less than 300g/10oz.

There's something wrong and I don't know how to fix it.

I swear I am!

Live over the past while has been busy but so very boring. Nothing's happened but I've had so much to do - don't you hate times like that?

I've gotta try to find some time to respond to the lovely folk who've left me messages of late. Thank you for you compliments on Miss E. It may show my bias, but I think she's pretty wonderful/amazing too :D

I'm feeling like a big ole fraud in calling myself a writer. The fraudulent part of it is that I don't remember the last time I actually sat down and wrote more than a paragraph (or a blog entry - do those count?). The problem isn't time it's energy. I have none.

Miss E has nightmares you see, so, even though she sleeps for a good 12 hours at night she has anywhere up to and over five nightmares which not only wake me but require I actually get up and do something. Not only that, but I'm a night person. Always have been and, since having a baby, I cherish my nights even more because (as I'm sure you know if you have kids) this is the biggest (and sometimes only) block of time I have to myself without having to deal with someone else's needs.

Of course there are 101 things I want to do with this block of time and none of them include sitting still and thinking through a storyline. So, while I technically have time to write I have nothing *to* write.

In all honesty I don't know how people do it. How do you fit raising a young child full time, household duties and raising a husband in with writing? Seriously, I need to know!

I've posted on my blog about how I regret giving up breastfeeding ( http://www.bad-mummy.com/?p=22 ). Though I tried to ignore it and even gave away my pump this feeling never went away.

It's been in the back of my mind for a while now that I could try to get Miss E back to breastfeed - actually for us it'd be like the first time seeing as she never really breastfeed before I got desperate to get her home. I've read stories about woman who've adopted children and learned to breastfeed them ( http://www.llli.org//NB/NBJulAug06p166.html ) so, theoretically at least, if they can do it I should be able to too. Right?

Honestly, I don't know if I will yet. I don't know if I have the fortitude to deal with the disappointment of Miss E rejecting the boob day after day. Not mention the stamina to deal with all the pumping, oh my gawd the pumping. Not to mention that I have no idea how I'm going to afford a new breast pump because there is absolutely no way I can hand express 8 - 10 times a day everyday.

Feel free to add you opinion or experience - I'd REALLY like to hear from other mums who've gone back to breastfeeding after a break.