The first thing that came to mind when I read this assignment was something I touched on in an earlier post, my Dad.

He turned 86 years old on November 9, 2006. I was unable to visit him in the nursing home on his birthday, but went a couple of days later on Veteran's Day. I gave him a robe I had not even had a chance to gift wrap for his birthday. We talked a bit but I didn't stay long because I had my two girls with me.

Thanksgiving was a little less than two weeks after that. The night before I thought to myself, "I should give Dad a call and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving", then I decided I would do it the next day. The next day didn't come for him, he passed away in his sleep that night.

The second thing that comes to mind could be filed under, "Things you just don't say".

"Mom, your son called me today to see how his little sis' was doing. He says you have been asking the Chaplain to pray for you to die again. He told me you called him the other day begging him to come to the nursing home because, in your words, you were going to die that day. He and I both come twice a week. I know you suffer with bipolar disorder, but can you not see the suffering you are putting others through with your dramatics? At what point is it OK, or allowable to play these games? How messed up do other people's lives have to become before the madness stops? Does having this condition give you a license to do as you please? I wonder how many people who died young would like to have lived to be your age?

I can remember a time not so long ago when you would not come out of your bedroom for days. You got mad at Dad and he never knew why. You wouldn't even come out to see your Grand-daughter. I remember you eating nothing but ice-cream sandwiches, not exercising or caring at all about your own health. I remember the Christmas tree being thrown out in the back yard.

A few years back I was staying with you and Dad. It was my birthday, and I had come home late from work. You were sitting at the dining table,so high on Tylenol 3 and sleeping pills you literally fell out of your chair. Yet you warned me as a teenager about dope. Where's the accountability, what am I supposed to have looked up to?

You are my Mom and I love you. I have felt so guilty for having these feelings, but would never dare say them to a poor little old lady wasting away in a nursing home. So, I am saying it here to total strangers. I am sorry to admit I can look at you and for the most part know what I never want to become.

I do want to be the mother I saw in you and loved as a child. The person my girls see in me now. Maybe that person is a child's fantasy, but I will strive to live up to it."