This may be TMI for you, but it’s in context to the title of this post.

Last night, Jimmy & I finally found ourselves with some alone time and an empty bed. But my mind kept wandering to the problems I’m having as of late. His soft touches, caresses and butterfly kisses were, most of the time, not even felt because I simply cannot feel. I knew he was doing it only because I could see him. I couldn’t FEEL and enjoy his attentions.

This morning, I woke up and nursed the baby. As he was finishing up, I began to have a weird sensation in my right arm. It seemed to be coming from my head, which had begun to feel weird - I cannot put it into words, but it was weird. Sort of a pressure but not a headache. Also, for whatever reason, Zachary was quite a handfull this morning, wanting to be in any other position than the one he was at the moment, so he was twisting and turning and I simply couldn’t keep my hands on him properly. My hand began to feel this weird achiness to it and finally, I could not close my hand around anything (like his arm or leg) without a searing pain.

I called Jimmy to take him (and for some reason, Jimmy’s arm has been hurting him alot lately so he’s in his OWN world, not in mine) and I went down to make breakfast and coffee. While cooking, my arm and leg on my right side, continued to grow number - but not where I couldn’t USE it - just that it felt like there was something else On Me. Sort of like when you use a body lotion and it stays on you, but doesn’t really absorb. Sorta. It’s really hard to describe the feeling. But It starts at the top of my head and goes right down to my feet. on my right side. This feeling I’ve had on my left side but not quite so … "obvious" for the last 5 years.

I couldn’t even hold the phone in my right hand while talkign to my mom and cook.

I ate breakfast and came upstairs to log into my email, etc. The feeling subsided and then returned. The fullness in my head subsided. Then it returned but at the base of my skull. I wondered if perhaps I was having a stroke or maybe an aneurysm that was getting ready to blow. I don’t honestly feel like this was catastrophizing the situation. Jimmy didn’t seem concerned, though. I guess that’s a whole separate situation, but can I just say - it really pisses me off.

So I sat here, wondering if I was about to pop out of this little life. I decided to take a shower, just in case. As I was washing, I use this loufa poof thingie and realized I could just barely feel it scratching my skin. I shaved my legs and in some spots, couldn’t feel the razor at all. I shaved my underarms, and couldn’t feel the razor at all. I truly do not know what’s going on. I twittered "wouldn’t it suck if I had a stroke while waiting for the MRI". I wondered if I should go to the ER. Jimmy suggested I get up and walk around. I worry that this loss of sensation that I’m now experiencing throughout my body is permanent.

I wish my grandfather were alive to tell me how he felt when he had the first of his many strokes.

Jimmy wants to know when I took the zoloft this morning because he’s still wanting to blame everything on that.

I love him, but sometimes I really feel less than important to him. Less than … everything.

My mom get so upset when stuff like this happens to me because she’s so far away and can’t help.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow when Jimmy goes back to work - what happens if I can’t hold the baby? Change his diaper?

I don’t go to the ER because it’s $100 to do so and what if they find nothing.

What if! it’s all in my head … maybe it’s all just emotional. Maybe my body is putting into physical terms what my head can’t seem to work around anymore. I’m sure there’s a term for that but I can’t think of it right now.

Zachary woke up from his nap and I nursed him, WhyMommy’s (http://toddlerplanet.com) post about not knowing it was the last time she nursed in the forefront of my brain, and I took the time to look in his eyes and smile and hope that it wasn’t my last time.