It may seem flippant that I am currently focusing on eating more chocolate. But, this is a serious life goal for me right now.

You see, I have an eating disorder. It does not fall neatly into one of the regular categories, but has elements of bullimia, binge eating disorder and compulsive overeating disorder.

Only recently have I been willing to face this monster for what it is. I have been using food and weight to take care of myself, to drown my feelings, to make up for the fact that I don't take care of myself in other ways, to punish myself, to hurt myself. Food is my drug, my alcohol. I've talked here about my alcoholic brother. Part of the reason I feel such a kinship with him is that I am doing the same thing as he is, only I am killing myself slowly with food. Rather than drinking a whole bottle of coconut rum on the way home to drown my self-loathing, I bury it in calories in the dark of night after my children go to bed.

Food, for me, has been drug, weapon, love, comfort for so long that I have forgotten how to let food just be food. I have forgotten what eating means. Eating has been eating me up from the inside out.

I am ready to have it stop. So, I am working on it.

My first step has been to give myself permission to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. And for me, this means chocolate. Much chocolate.

And giving myself permission to eat whatever I want has yielded some interesting results. For one, it means I'm learning to recognize what I don't want, what doesn't taste good or feel good to me. It also means that I, little by little, I am waking up to see when food is not filling me. This has been pure magic. I am learning to love myself again. I am recognizing when I am sad, lonely, angry, hurt. I am noticing when I feel deprived, socially or emotionally or physically. And rather that trying unsuccessfully to fill those holes with food, I am finding better ways.

On Monday, I bought myself new clothes. Because I needed them. And I didn't cluck at my reflection in the mirror because I am no longer the flat-stomached, lithe, 110 pound fourteen year old who fits into a size six. I bought clothes that fit me, that were comfortable and soft and warm and beautiful. And I loved the girl in the mirror who wore a size 14P pair of pants and an extra-large sweater. I gave her permission to wear beautiful clothes now, BEFORE she loses 50 pounds, whether she EVER loses those 50 pounds or not. She is worth it.

It has been a difficult process. I am just getting started and know that I will probably need much more help and more work than I can now imagine before I conquer this.

Here are few of the things I've learned so far about food, especially chocolate.

-I do not like Little Caesars Pizza. I am shuddering just thinking of it. I do not like the taste. I don't like the smell. I hate the way it feels in my body. Makes me sick.
-I really, really like potatoes for breakfast.

-Pancakes, not so much. At least not often.
-I love, love, love clementines and could eat at least 10 a day. For now.
-I really love NAKED Blue Machine fruit smoothie. I love the taste and I it feels good in my body.
-I'm learning that there are three types of "good" for me where food is concerned. Either it tastes good, it feels good or both. If a food does both for me, it's a keeper.
-Good chocolate tastes good, but doesn't feel good in large quantities. Eating it frequently and in small amounts each day has been good for my body and soul.
-Chocolate falls into two categories for me: the good stuff and the brown wax stuff.

-Just because it's chocolate doesn't mean it's good. And even if it's chocolate, if I don't like it I don't have to eat it.
-I can get more satisfaction out of one small square of good chocolate that is eaten simply for the joy of it than I can out of a whole bag of sub-par chocolate eaten in an attempt to fill a deeper need.

It's not much, but it's a start.

And as for the chocolate discoveries here goes:
-I don't like Hershey's kisses unless they are filled with caramel or cherry cordial filling. And even then, meh. I've eaten better.
-Though Symphony chocolate with almonds and toffee is still one of my favorite American chocolate choices, it's not nearly as yummy as I used to think.
-The milk chocolate bars at IKEA -- smooth, melty, sweet, chocolate deliciousness. LOVE these.
-If I don't like sub-par milk chocolate, I like sub-par dark chocolate even less.
-One dark chocolate stand-out so far is the Choxie Dark Chocolate Truffle Bar with Cocoa Nibs. YUM!
-Cacao Reserve in both the 35% and 65% variety are worth eating.
-Hershey's Special Dark makes a good doorstop.
-Cadbury chocolate is almost always good enough to eat, especially when it has nuts in it.
-Galaxy chocolate is probably still my favorite.
-I have yet to meet any chocolate with "truffle" in the name that I don't like.
-I especially have like Hershey's Nuggets Truffles lately.

-And Truffettes of France are the kind of chocolates we will eat in heaven. Trust me.