I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.

• EB White

I just ended up on facebook for the first time ever. One word. Meh. Though it is a good resource for getting back in touch with friends, it's not that great. I like the buzz better.

I'm a bit of an odd duck politically speaking.

Okay, maybe I'm just a bit of an odd duck, but we're talking politics here, people. Let's stay on topic.

I am a registered Democrat in one of the reddest states of the nation and a county that's even more red.

But I'm not really a Democrat when it comes down to it. I'm more liberal than most Utahns (which is not very hard to do). But I'm much more conservative than most Democrats.

If I really had to align myself with a party, I'd probably be a Libertarian. But what good does that do?

I have watched the political climate over the last few years very carefully and with great fascination. The vitriol that is spewed from one side to the other is beyond shocking to me. The divisiveness of our current political system, the polarization of it all, is mind boggling.

On one side we have progressive Democrats (most of whom are kind, considerate, good people in their every day lives) who hate George W. Bush and everything Red, Right, Republican or Religious. The conversations I've had or overheard with some Democrats shock me. The anger is palpable and I wonder how I can feel a part of a party that is so hateful toward our current government. Disagreement is one thing; even anger is understandable. The borderline murderous antipathy I have witnessed is inexcusable.

Then, on the other side we have that block of the religious right who feel that their way is THE ONE RIGHT WAY for everyone in the entire country. And not only the right way, but God's way. And what does that say about anyone who disagrees? Damn to hell all of those evil, godless, baby-killing, homosexual, pot-smoking, welfare-addict-loving donkeys on the other side of the aisle. And the fear-mongering! Holy cow, the fear mongering. The fearful words used to describe every possible form of wrong -- equating with terrorists nearly everyone who does not come into lock-step with the current administration -- that I've heard just make me sad. Like the Democrats I spoke of before, these are generally good people.

On both sides are people who would never dream of being this unkind to a real human being, but who blatantly and viciously attack groups of those human beings without remorse.

What is happening to us?

Orson Scott Card wrote a fantastic book. Empire. You really ought to read it. In the epilogue he talks of this same thing. Our country is becoming increasingly polarized. Neither side seems able to see the others, those who disagree with them, as people. Rather than allowing their own ideas to be challenged and deciding whether or not they still hold true, people tend to look at anyone who disagrees with them politically as either stupid, ignorant or evil. He's right.

And I'm feeling it lately.

Because I feel like one of the bastard children of the United States of America. Even if it weren't for all the bad behavior floating around (but especially because of it) I feel ashamed to label myself as a Republican or a Democrat.

In the current "Red Team vs. Blue Team" mentality of our country, I belong to one of the most hated groups in America.

I am a moderate.

Because I spend my political life dancing back and forth between platforms and parties, between groups and ideologies, it is impossible for me keep from being hated by one group or another. Because I'm not stepping in line with the haters on one side or the other, I feel like I am drawing icy glares from every direction.

Here's what I mean:

* I may be a Democrat, but I'm also a very religious person. So, in the eyes of many I am a fool and perhaps even worse, a dangerous fool because, as a religious person, I fall into the same category as our current president.
* I am a feminist, but I didn't vote for the female candidate yesterday. In order for her to get my vote, I believe we must share more than two chromosomes in common. And we do, but not enough that I felt good about voting for her.
* I am a Mormon. Even if I were not a Mormon, I feel that Mitt Romney would be a highly capable and effective president. It has very little to do with our shared beliefs. However, I'm not sure that I want Romney to be our next president. I'm not sure that our country can take another president who is so very religious. I fear that the chasm between the right and left, the religious and non-religious is in danger of growing ever wider during the presidency of another man whose faith is so prominent.
* At the same time, as a Mormon and knowing what good people my fellow-Mormons tend to be, I do love the idea of having a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in the white house.
* I believe that until we find better ways of protecting women, better access to good health care and education, better options and more support for young women abortion should not be 100% illegal. This is especially true in cases of rape, incest and where the life of the mother is in danger.
* I do, however, believe that there should be many tight restrictions on abortion. For instance: restrictions for minors, a complete ban on all late term abortions.
* I believe that homosexual couples should have the same rights to care for one another as heterosexual couples do. The morality of homosexuality should not be decided on a national level or in a political sphere. I have many friends who are gay. I love them very much. I want them to have the rights and abilities to care for one another as couples and families. I think that civil unions are the best answer.
* I think that all children deserve a good education. But, wait. I don't think that the public school system is the best and only way to accomplish this. The system itself has been shown to be failing many students from all different backgrounds and ages. Pumping more money into it will not satisfy this problem. If our government is going to continue to promote and fund compulsory schooling for all children, then there need to be many different options available to people from all socioeconomic backgrounds. I believe that school choice is the only way that we can meet the changing educational needs that face this country. Vouchers, charter schools, public schools where teachers receive merit pay... Ideally, I think that a dollar-follows-the-student system would be the very best.
* In light of this, you can imagine how greatly I bristle at Obama and Clinton's plans to fund earlier and earlier forms of public education.
* And how much I dislike the No Child Left Behind laws.
* Though I believe that certain systems are worthwhile to our nation, I recognize that what works from a systems perspective is often highly detrimental to individuals. In all possible cases, I think that individuals should be given the freedoms and abilities to chose how best to care for their own needs. In every possible way, systems should be set up to allow flexibility, independence and individual choice. If this is not possible, I think we should carefully consider whether or not the system is even worthwhile. This theory applies to many things: health care, education, social security, welfare, immigration.
* Speaking of immigration, I think that our system needs to be fixed. It is obvious that there are a great number of people who would like to live in our country. Because of our broken and inflexible system, it is unrealistically difficult to do this legally for most people. We need to make it much, much easier for people to enter our country legally. We need to have many options for doing this. Are they just coming to work for a little while? Do they want to come and stay forever? What are the true needs?
* And don't shoot me, but I think that we should grant current illegal aliens the opportunity to be here legally. If they desire it, they should be given the opportunity to move to the back of the line (and we need to make it a much more rapidly moving line) and become citizens. This, in my opinion, is not flouting our current laws. It is a recognition that our systems have been broken for a long, long time. We should have responded to this sooner and done a better job. Oh, and removing the draw for illegals to enter this country seems like a no-brainer. Americans who hire undocumented workers should face harsh penalties.
* Again, don't shoot me. I think people who come here should learn English. It is to their benefit. They need to be able to get along here. I also think we should all learn Spanish or the language of the largest immigrant population in our area. Other countries require that their children learn to speak a second language in school. Learn to SPEAK it, not just be somewhat exposed to it. Why not us?
* As for the war in Iraq. I have no idea. It's a crummy situation. There are no easy answers. I have little trust for any candidate who would like me to believe otherwise. "Get out now!" seems too easy. So does "Stay until they're stable." What if that never comes? How long is too long? How soon is too soon? Who really knows?

I could go on and on, but you can see that just this smattering of political beliefs puts me all over the political spectrum and in danger of drawing the ire of nearly every possible political group out there. No matter what I say or think, there's going to be someone who hates me (not me personally, but on principle).

I imagine that many of you, my wonderful blog friends, probably adamantly disagree with me on at least one thing I've just said. See? There's no safe place for most of us politically right now, is there?

And here's the biggest problem with all of my crazily moderate, thoughtful political beliefs: Every single one of them is subject to change at any moment.

I have learned that the "happy land of absolutes" is a veeeerrrry small place. I'm still learning and growing, reading and trying to understand things. I'm continually changing and try very hard to be always willing to be wrong. Something I believe is right today may be something I decide is wrong next year.

So there's no political party or candidate who can really ever count on me. We independents, we moderates are a dangerously unreliable bunch.

So, as this presidential election draws near I feel myself wishing I could choose from the speeches like a menu.

I'll take all of Romney's ideas on education and health care funding, a bit of McCain's plans for immigration. And could I have a side of Obama's plans for foreign relations and environmental issues. How about I have a smidge of the economic plans of all the candidates, they all have good ideas. And as for taxes, isn't Ron Paul highly in favor of a fair usage tax? I'll take that, thank you very much. And Hillary's ideas on creating opportunities for rural Americans. Brilliant. Bring it on.

Sadly, though, I only get to choose one person. Even more tragic is the way the polarization of politics is pressuring candidates to choose sides, to limit their open-mindedness and ability to learn good things from people all across the political spectrum. Why must it be red or blue, right or left? Why can't we find a way to elect the candidate who is most likely to be good, effective, pragmatic and willing to see the benefit of many possible ideas?

What about you? Have you felt this pull toward one side of the other? Do you feel like me -- a picked-on moderate without a home? What are your thoughts so far?

And strangely, I don't mean spring.

Not that I wouldn't welcome spring, but can I just tell you how desperately I have been loving this winter?

Winter was magic when I was a child. I can still taste the awe and excitement of waking up and looking out of our big, picture windows to see the world sparkling, blanketed in new snow. The hush, the splendor of the smooth, crystalline surface was almost sacred.

I remember walking home from school, wearing pink and gray moon boots. Crossing the high school football field, I felt like an arctic explorer as I tromped a trail through virgin snow that came up to my knees. And of course no trip would be complete without a handful melting in my mouth as I fell backward with a poof into the white to make a snow angel.

Seeing my breath blow in steamy puffs through the icy air, I felt so alive. Examining the tiny snowflakes that fell on my window, I marveled at each intricate, unique design.

My mom would bundle me up in snow pants and coat and boots and gloves and scarves and hat. I would wander through my yard for hours. Winter made the places I knew into a brand new world, fresh for exploring. Then, I'd come in to the living room, put my wet clothes on the large metal heater vent to dry and sit in our cozy kitchen drinking hot cocoa.

Later years found me sledding -- at Harris Elementary with Camille, at the high school with Rachel, in our Stake President's back yard with Liesl. Oh, and thinking about Liesl reminds me of the old snowmobile we used to ride for hours around the fields at West Elementary.

Winter was a charmed time.

I don't remember exactly when I started hating winter. By the time I was in high school, I'd lost a bit of my love affair with winter. But I didn't hate it.

Winter meant singing in three different choirs all through the Christmas season. It meant lights at Temple Square in Salt Lake City.

Winter was snowball fights with Michael, holding hands and walking through the cold until midnight with Troy, driving with Kevin to meet his grandmother in a car that didn't have a heater. I had to huddle under a pile of quilts and he had to stop every couple of blocks to wipe the inside of the windshield so that he could see.

Even during those years, winter was magic.

I think it may have been my freshman year of college that did it. I didn't know it then, but an insidious monster was creeping into my life.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Anyone who has ever suffered from depression will understand why I simply cannot put into words the intensity of the pain, the anger, the emptiness and cold that has crept through my mind and heart every winter for so many years.

The panic that came over me every year in October was palpable. The feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness that consumed me each November are excruciating to even think about.

Somehow, this year a miracle happened. After TEN YEARS of suffering through winter, of wanting to hide from everyone and everything, of loathing the cold and the ice and the gray of winter, this year I am free.

I have no explanation for it. Nor do I want to spoil the charm of it all by trying to deduce the reasons.

I am simply grateful -- overwhelmingly, completely enamored with this season, with everything about it. My heart is full of the wonder I felt as a six year old child.

Has falling snow always been this enchanting? Has it always been this white? Have I ever really seen two feet of snow so powdery that it feels like air when you shovel it? Or snow so heavy that it is like hefting shovels full of water?

Is this how it feels to greet winter without crushing, agonizing depression?

Can I have some more please? I feel like I'm making up for a decade worth of winters this year.

A few nights ago, I walked outside to see Mashuga walking lightly across the surface of the snow in our front yard. An enormous grin exploded across my face. I remember that! Do you? Do you remember when you were small and the surface of the snow was frozen so that you could walk on top and leave only the barest trace of footprints?

And snowmen. Do you remember the sheer joy of building snowmen? This year my children have made snowmen and snowdogs. Their cousins came over with long, crooked carrots for snowmen noses. They all worked together to build snowmen in our yard, then ran across the street to build two more ginormous snow people in our neighbor's yard. This was extra fun, for Iris's aunt came here from Mexico just a few months ago. This was her first winter, her first snowman. Isn't that exciting?

The vicarious joy I've gotten from my children this year would be enough, but I am just astounded by the joy I feel, the way I've walked in awe during this season. The white, the ice, the fluffy snow has warmed my heart and spirit in immeasurable ways.

So, Punxatawney Phil can shuffle out of his hole to see his shadow tomorrow. Or he can not. Whether the groundhog heralds a swiftly approaching spring or a continued winter, I will be glad for it. I will welcome it with open arms.

You see, my friends, I have been happy and able to enjoy winter for the first time in oh so many years. Life has taught me once again that I believe in miracles.

It may seem flippant that I am currently focusing on eating more chocolate. But, this is a serious life goal for me right now.

You see, I have an eating disorder. It does not fall neatly into one of the regular categories, but has elements of bullimia, binge eating disorder and compulsive overeating disorder.

Only recently have I been willing to face this monster for what it is. I have been using food and weight to take care of myself, to drown my feelings, to make up for the fact that I don't take care of myself in other ways, to punish myself, to hurt myself. Food is my drug, my alcohol. I've talked here about my alcoholic brother. Part of the reason I feel such a kinship with him is that I am doing the same thing as he is, only I am killing myself slowly with food. Rather than drinking a whole bottle of coconut rum on the way home to drown my self-loathing, I bury it in calories in the dark of night after my children go to bed.

Food, for me, has been drug, weapon, love, comfort for so long that I have forgotten how to let food just be food. I have forgotten what eating means. Eating has been eating me up from the inside out.

I am ready to have it stop. So, I am working on it.

My first step has been to give myself permission to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. And for me, this means chocolate. Much chocolate.

And giving myself permission to eat whatever I want has yielded some interesting results. For one, it means I'm learning to recognize what I don't want, what doesn't taste good or feel good to me. It also means that I, little by little, I am waking up to see when food is not filling me. This has been pure magic. I am learning to love myself again. I am recognizing when I am sad, lonely, angry, hurt. I am noticing when I feel deprived, socially or emotionally or physically. And rather that trying unsuccessfully to fill those holes with food, I am finding better ways.

On Monday, I bought myself new clothes. Because I needed them. And I didn't cluck at my reflection in the mirror because I am no longer the flat-stomached, lithe, 110 pound fourteen year old who fits into a size six. I bought clothes that fit me, that were comfortable and soft and warm and beautiful. And I loved the girl in the mirror who wore a size 14P pair of pants and an extra-large sweater. I gave her permission to wear beautiful clothes now, BEFORE she loses 50 pounds, whether she EVER loses those 50 pounds or not. She is worth it.

It has been a difficult process. I am just getting started and know that I will probably need much more help and more work than I can now imagine before I conquer this.

Here are few of the things I've learned so far about food, especially chocolate.

-I do not like Little Caesars Pizza. I am shuddering just thinking of it. I do not like the taste. I don't like the smell. I hate the way it feels in my body. Makes me sick.
-I really, really like potatoes for breakfast.

-Pancakes, not so much. At least not often.
-I love, love, love clementines and could eat at least 10 a day. For now.
-I really love NAKED Blue Machine fruit smoothie. I love the taste and I it feels good in my body.
-I'm learning that there are three types of "good" for me where food is concerned. Either it tastes good, it feels good or both. If a food does both for me, it's a keeper.
-Good chocolate tastes good, but doesn't feel good in large quantities. Eating it frequently and in small amounts each day has been good for my body and soul.
-Chocolate falls into two categories for me: the good stuff and the brown wax stuff.

-Just because it's chocolate doesn't mean it's good. And even if it's chocolate, if I don't like it I don't have to eat it.
-I can get more satisfaction out of one small square of good chocolate that is eaten simply for the joy of it than I can out of a whole bag of sub-par chocolate eaten in an attempt to fill a deeper need.

It's not much, but it's a start.

And as for the chocolate discoveries here goes:
-I don't like Hershey's kisses unless they are filled with caramel or cherry cordial filling. And even then, meh. I've eaten better.
-Though Symphony chocolate with almonds and toffee is still one of my favorite American chocolate choices, it's not nearly as yummy as I used to think.
-The milk chocolate bars at IKEA -- smooth, melty, sweet, chocolate deliciousness. LOVE these.
-If I don't like sub-par milk chocolate, I like sub-par dark chocolate even less.
-One dark chocolate stand-out so far is the Choxie Dark Chocolate Truffle Bar with Cocoa Nibs. YUM!
-Cacao Reserve in both the 35% and 65% variety are worth eating.
-Hershey's Special Dark makes a good doorstop.
-Cadbury chocolate is almost always good enough to eat, especially when it has nuts in it.
-Galaxy chocolate is probably still my favorite.
-I have yet to meet any chocolate with "truffle" in the name that I don't like.
-I especially have like Hershey's Nuggets Truffles lately.

-And Truffettes of France are the kind of chocolates we will eat in heaven. Trust me.