Well, folks, I’m totally over Halloween already, and like the department stores, ready to gloss over Thanksgiving and head STRAIGHT for Christmas. I’m already obsessed with having all my shopping done ASAP, and fortunately I’ve got a fabulous holiday gift-giving idea that works for anyone on your list. It’s a great idea for that “special someone” or even for that someone you don’t know very well but are obligated to buy a gift for. Here it is: FIND OUT WHAT THE HELL THE PERSON WANTS!!!

Seems simple right? It does indeed, but it has been my experience that many people just guess what the hell it is they think I might like, or worse yet, get me something that they would like me to have. The latter has resulted in some pretty heinous gifts, and trust me, I’m the last person who needs more crap sitting around her house. To help you better understand how to shop for the people on your gift list, I offer you two case studies.

Case Study #1: Giver: Me

Giftee: My husband’s “new mommy”
My in-laws are divorced and my father-in-law is remarried to a woman we don’t know very well or see very often, yet must purchase a Christmas gift for. I affectionately call her my husband’s “new mommy”. She’s nice enough but I don’t know whether she’s the type of gal who likes beanie babies or beauty products. Whatever can one do in such a situation?? How about ASK SOMEONE WHO HAS A CLUE. So I ask my father-in-law, “What would _ like for Christmas?” He replied, “I think she would like something like a Christmas candle.” Armed with this helpful information, I went to Bathy & Body Works and bought her a lovely scented oil warmer in the shape of a gingerbread house that uses tea lights and came with two scented oil flavors, gingerbread and peppermint. Not exactly a Christmas candle, but something like a Christmas candle.” Voila! The gift was given, she seemed to like it, yippee yay Merry Christmas HO HO HO!

Case Study # 2: Giver: My husband’s original mommy (aka my mother-in-law)

Giftee: Every member of her entire family
My mother-in-law is a serial offender when it comes to horrendous gift-giving. She doesn’t seem to care or even think to ask what you might actually want to receive or what you could use. She just gets you whatever the hell she wants to. I present to you our last two Christmases: in 2005 she got all her five children and their spouses a Santa Claus head that looks like it’s made out of a tree. Apparently, you are supposed to attach it to an actual tree in your yard so that all who behold it think that you have a Santa Claus living in your tree. I don’t even know where the thing is now. I hope we tossed it ‘cause as I mentioned, I don’t need any more JUNK lying around. But that Santa-face was a treasure compared to what she got us last year. When we celebrated Christmas with her, she presented us all with matching sweatshirts embroidered with a bunch of birds and a Bible verse. (Now I love Jesus but I also love fashion and I do NOT, repeat, DO NOT wear shirts with embroidery and/or Bible verses on them!!!) That’s right, even my manly husband got a bird shirt. And let me just tell you, my two-year-old son was THRILLED with his shirt. I mean, why not? A shirt is sooo fun to play with! Then she informed us that she got one of these shirts (actually she had them made) for every member of the family, adults and kids alike, because we are all part of her “flock”. Umm… apparently we’re not people, but animals. Who knew? Maybe this year we’ll get shirts with sheep or cows on them or something. One can only hope.

Anyhoo, as you can see, she gets people what she wants to. I can’t resist throwing this in, either – last year my husband turned 29 and what did she get him for his birthday? You guessed it! A lawn ornament that is an otter holding a fish. Her reasoning? That he did a school project on otters WHEN HE WAS TEN. It’s sentimental. Or something.

So remember this, gift-givers: no matter what the occasion, you can make someone’s holiday or birthday special with just four simple words. That’s right, “Here’s your bird shirt.” Just kidding! “What do you want?” are the magic, magic words. Use them early and often. Or just get a gift card. Or CASH. Cash works. Jenny likey. It might also help to remember that it’s not really the thought that counts if you haven’t thought about whether or not the receiver would actually like the gift. If you can’t give anything nice, don’t give anything at all!!