Okay I'm not AGAINST dancing? But man, do I get really worked up watching a dance floor.

I haven't been to "a dance" since grade eight. Those were great fun! We weren't old enough to realize that standing in a circle of 13 people, bobbing our heads and shifting our feet was pretty lame. We'd wave to each other from across the circle. We'd cheer when the Macarena came on. Those dances also provided occasion for more physical contact with my secret crush than I could ever hope for elsewhere

Clear memory of a Brian McKnight song. (One, you're like a dream come truuue. Two, just want to be with youuu) My hands on his shoulders. Rigid wrists. His hands on my hips. Not too near my bum, but definitely not too high. Plenty of room for the Holy Spirit, I'll tell you that much.

I went to an all girls high school, so suffice it to say our dances were pretty lame. The movies always depict the girls' school meeting up with the boys' school for dances. We all apply excess mascara on the school bus ride over to their gym while giggling and wishing aloud that Harvey Hampton the Hunk would ask us to dance the twist. Debbie is mad at Nancy for copying her new bob, we all know that Bernard is TOTALLY going to spike the punch! Oh, also, we draw lines on our legs to make it look like we're wearing nylon stockings. And in the back seat, naive tenth grader Betty asks school skank Sally what it's like to be in love with a man.

Yeah, that doesn't actually happen.

The dancers at our dances (or so I hear) consisted of a bunch of frosh who hadn't realized what they were getting into, the people on student council and any of their friends that they could drag, and really pervy/creepy guys who are probably three years older than the average twelfth grader.

Now, I love dancing. But it is SO rare to find an environment that I feel comfortable to dance in. Such environments include: my kitchen, improv camp, square dances.

Improv camp was the best. One time in a workshop we all had to just do our "kitchen dance". Then we had to copy each other's kitchen dance. It was out of this world! Try to get somebody to genuinely show you their kitchen dance. The dance they rock out to when they put the radio on while they do dishes. Lots of people have never shown anybody their kitchen dance!

But if you walk into your local bar, all you see is a sweaty crowd moving in the exact same way. I mean, there are hundreds of thousands of ways that the human body can move to a rhythm. But everybody shares the same 5 moves, all of which connote actions that I assure you our naive tenth grader Betty knows nothing about.

My favourite dance floor dynamics are when the dancing is just starting. Here's how it happens EVERY TIME. A bunch of girls (half of whom are inexplicably wearing cowboy hats) take to the floor. They stand really close to each other, taking turns being the centre of attention. If any one of them does something weird, like a move that isn't in the handbook titled "The Only 5 Dance Moves You Should Ever Do" they all stop dancing for a second and laugh it off, like "omigod imagine if I did that for real????!!!!"

Then the guys come. In twos, sporting smirks. They join the crowd like "oh fine! oh fine because you asked!". They do a lot of sprinkler or shopping-cart type moves in a "omigod, imagine if this was actually in my dance move repertoire?!". Then they go grind somebody up in a "this is fun! But I'm totally not That Guy. We're just dancing, right?". Then they steal the girls' hats and wear them because that's the most hilarious thing I can think of.

I think the guys bother me more than the girls.

I don't know, I think I'm becoming lamer and lamer these days. Unless a really close friend comes too, I hate even going to bars. I've only been of legal drinking age for a year and a half! But there are seriously so many better ways that I'd like to spend my time.

Do you hate dancing too? Then tell me I'm not alone.

Do you love dancing? Freak. Also, why? Help me understand the appeal of everybody bobbing around judging each other.