Are you a parent?

If so, do you consider yourself a paragon of parental fortitude or do you assume the fetal position whenever your child utters the slightest whimper?

Take my simple quiz and find out. I tried it myself this week, and it’s a lot of fun!

Directions: Attempt each step in order. The further you get, the stronger your nerves.

1. Schedule a pelvic exam for first thing on a Monday morning. If you are a man, make it a digital rectal exam, or better yet, a cystoscopy.




2. It should be pouring rain. That makes the drive so much more interesting.




3. Drink at least 4 cups of coffee to give yourself a nice edge.




4. Bring along your sick and teething infant for company. Wake her up from her nap, if possible.




5. Don’t forget the sibling(s)! After all, they could always use more material for future therapy sessions.




6. Pack some snacks and toys to keep the kids occupied and hunger at bay. A portable DVD player is an asset.




7. Make sure all children in diapers/training pants have consumed heaps of fruit the day before. That way, they can poop for the third time just as you are ready to walk out the door.




8. Give all mobile children time to splash around in the puddles on the driveway. For maximum effect, they must be good and wet.




9. Listen to this repeatedly on the way to the doctor's office while sodden offspring complain incessantly.

   
   

   1. Sit and wait patiently for 45 minutes while your infant screams off and on. Attempt to read that 4 month old People magazine with Britney on the cover. Ignore dirty looks from childless onlookers who are gazing in disbelief at your motley, soaked brood (who continue to complain about their wet clothes and the dismal selection of waiting-room toys).

   
   

   2. Visit restroom to change infant's poopy diaper 30 seconds before you are called by the nurse. The water in the toilet bowl should make a nice distraction for your other little helpers.

   
   

   3. Once in the exam room, undress from the waist down just before your preschooler decides to open the door and make a break for it. Don’t worry, the paper drape provided will give you the illusion of modesty.

   
   

   4. Do not despair if your portable DVD player does not work, or if all of your carefully selected coloring books and toys are rejected one by one. The exam room contains many sights and sounds waiting to delight your child(ren). Pregnancy wheels make fine Frisbees! Who needs toys when whacking obstetrical stirrups against an exam table makes such a pleasingly rhythmic “ka-thunk” “ka-thunk”? Never underestimate the draw of K-Y jelly for your little artiste!

   
   

   5. If your doctor’s timing is right, s(he) should glove up and begin your exam just as your baby resumes his/her crying.

   
   

   6. During your exam, make sure you provide detailed answers to pointed questions about your sex life in front of your children. That way they have something to share with their class during Circle Time.

   
   

   7. Once all is complete, you should be partially dressed when preschooler once again makes an escape attempt.

   
   

   8. Make your follow-up appointment while your child dumps the entire contents of the office treat jar while looking for something that doesn’t exist. A tantrum should ensue.

   
   

   9. Make a quick escape, lugging a crying infant in a car seat on one arm while dragging aforementioned screaming preschooler with the other.

   
   
   
   
   

   The End.

Okay, I don’t mean to brag, but not only did I complete all eighteen steps, but we even stopped to do the grocery shopping on the way home.* This amazes me! Just 4 months ago, I would have been reduced to a quivering mass of hormones by step seven. Seriously, don’t I deserve an award? Where's my I Have Momma Nerves of Steel blog button, dammit!

So how did you do? Are you a Smug Momma with nerves of steel like me, or are you en route to the pharmacy to pick up your Xanax?

*No children were tranquilized during the course of these real-life events.