Famous words of wisdom from my wife.

Yesterday I wasn't feeling well all day. Not seriously ill, just off a little. I passed the feeling off to end of the school year doldrums. I went home after work and flopped on the couch.

My wife came home and fixed dinner. Sweet and sour chicken, one of my favs. About two bites into my meal I started feeling nauseous. My legs and arms began to feel 'jello-ey' and the room started to swim. Before too long I was fighting hard to stay awake. I have, in the past, had problems with my sugar so I have a gloucometer. Took a sample. 484. At that point my wife insisted we go to the ER.

When we first got there my oxygen level, I forget the word, was 90 and that seemed to worry some people.

Long story short [too late] they did their voodoo on me and I got to feeling better. While sitting in the room waiting for somebody to come look at me again I noticed that of the many wires I was hooked up to was one measuring that oxygen level. I started doing some deep breathing to see if I could affect the machine. Sure enough, after some deep breaths the number would go up a little. There was also a line running along that changed the deeper I was breathing. Cool. I then wondered to myself if I could hold my breath long enough to flatten that line out.

Turns out I can.

It also turns out that when that line goes flat alarms start going off everywhere and people come hauling ass into the room with crash carts and things...

My dear wife, who has put up with me for 27 years, smacked me in the head and apologized to everyone for her dumbass husband.

We're in the homestretch, just 9 days to go. The burning question on all my student's minds is, "What do I have to make on the final to pass your class?"

Always looking for those teachable moments I give them the following formula: y = .8(a) + .2(x) and tell them to replace "a" with their current average, put the percentage they want to end up with in for "y" and solve for "x". That will tell them what they need to make on the final to get the grade they want.

I guess I've been wasting a lot of time this year...

"Mr. W, how do you solve for x?" was the most frequent question (from my Algebra 2 students...).

One kid, whose grade is currently 24%, worked it out and found out that he only needs to make a 7 on the final to make it to 60%.

Another young lady has determined she needs to make a 147% on the final to pass. "Is this right Mr. W?" Actually it is. Seeing as she was one of the few to work the problem correctly though does earn her some extra credit...

I'm really hoping that its just end o' the year burnout, and maybe, just maybe, they actually did learn something this year.

Please God.

For those of you aware of the great stapler war of 2008 (and if you aren't, why haven't you read my blog????) you'll appreciate how my day has went so far.

For the last week there has been a brand new 4 drawer file cabinet, still in the box, sitting in the main office. There is a teacher's name writ large on the box. It is the same teacher who has the stapler I was constantly stealing. The box has sat there since Monday.

First period I had two of my students go and get the box. I told them to say HOF sent them if anyone were to ask. When they brought the box to my room we removed the new file cabinet and placed my old dilapidated one in the box. We glued and taped the flaps back and put the box back in the main office.

Fourth period the following email was sent school-wide:

Whoever put their used nappy file cabinet in the Staples box in the office and TOOK my new file cabinet..... give it back. Joke is over, and I'm all about fun and jokes, but not in the middle of having to pack up all my stuff in my room, sell 400 shirts, and TEACH.

Give it back, or you can take the matter up with STAPLES when I tell them I opened there (sic) box and show them what was in it.

HOF

About 10 minutes later two students show up at my door.

"There it is." one of them exclaimed.

"There what is?" I protest innocently.

"Mrs. HOF's file cabinet."

Indignately I reply, "That's my cabinet. I've had it for a couple of months. Ask anyone in here, they'll tell you."

And by God, every one of my students back me up...

"Yeah, he's had that for a while."
"I helped him unpack it. He got that back before spring break."
"You trippin' man. That's Mr. W's cabinet."

Confused the two students leave.

Man, its a nice file cabinet. I hope nobody tells on me...

21st century conversion chart:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi


2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton


3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope


4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond


5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram


6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong


7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling


8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon


9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz


10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower


11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line


12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake


13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone


14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles


15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle


16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds


17. 52 cards = 1 decacards


18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton


19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen


20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche


21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin


22. 10 rations = 1 decoration


23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration


24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram


25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the great State of Oklahoma for forcing us to give END of instruction tests 4 weeks before the END of school. If I hear one more student say, "Why do we still have to learn stuff if we already took the test?" I'm liable to crack.

I hope I can make it 11 more days without smackin' somebody...