I have not been around much and am in need of visiting many of you but there has been much on my mind this week that has sucked any thoughts of blogging out of my head. The following is from my blog "Chronicles of an Exhausted mom"

Losing someone is hard on the heart isn't it? Whether by death or choice, no matter how much it needs to be over, no matter how ready you are, it hurts. But hat is part of life and lessons we all learn whether we want to or not. It is supposed to build character. It is supposed to teach us...what? I don't know but I suppose we get stronger from it.

My Sister very best friend lost her Step-Dad the other day. He was battling an illness that he was fast losing. He was sick and in pain. I imagine he was scared too. But his family had a chance to gather around him and say goodbye. I hope he knew how much he was loved and how very much he will be missed. I am sure he did. As the family watched him suffering, his wife let him know it was okay to go. Watching him so sick was so hard on her and she selflessly told him it was okay to go tot he other side. I can't imagine how painful that was for her but I believe that was what he needed to hear. He went quietly and, I hope, peacefully to the other side. Even though she let him know she was okay with letting go, she will still suffer the pain.

I believe that a loss of a good friend can be almost as painful. Nothing can compare to the death of a loved one but a break-ups have a special pain of its own. This is the reason for my recent blogging quiet. I have chosen to break up with a friend whom I thought I was close to. If you have been reading me for a while you know about my friend m and her son O. You know about the e mail she sent me that upset me so much. If not you can read a post about it here to get the gist of it.

After a few e mails back and forth, I realized that she does not get my point, or refuses to get it, I am not sure. I apologized to her for anything I might have done to hurt her but I wanted her to understand why I was hurt too. I guess my feelings were not as important as hers. Yesterday, I decided to cut the friendship. A lot of the things she said to me hurt and I don' think I can ever look at her the same. The fact that she could not talk to me about what was bothering her to my face, like friends are supposed to be able to do, and did not get why that upset me so much...well, that was what made my mind up.

I valued her as a friend. I counted her as my best friend but deep down inside I knew this was the way the friendship was going to go. I knew this about a year ago but I tried to hold on to what we had. I have come to realize that we were friends in a rather one sided friendship. I don't feel like I got my share out of it. I don't feel like I was listened to when I needed someone. I had a good time when I was with her but I would realize later that I felt more like an assistant then a friend. I don't know why I could not see it when we were together.

But even that being said, I am mourning what is gone. I hurt. I wrote to her telling her that I was done and that I wished her the best but I just couldn't do this anymore. After I sent the e mail, I sat for the longest time just re-playing everything that had happened in my head. I was/am so down and have not even wanted to be on the computer for the past few days.

I have never lost someone close to death or a break up (until now) and I wonder, how long will this last? If there any way to stop thinking about it whenever my mind has a few moments of quiet? Does she hurt too? If she thinking about what is now lost? I hope she feels just as sad...that may be anger talking.

I know what I did was the right thing. I know that it would never have been the same and trying to remain friends with her most likely would have ended up hurting me even more but that does not make it hurt any less.