I have not been around much and am in need of visiting many of you but there has been much on my mind this week that has sucked any thoughts of blogging out of my head. The following is from my blog "Chronicles of an Exhausted mom"

Losing someone is hard on the heart isn't it? Whether by death or choice, no matter how much it needs to be over, no matter how ready you are, it hurts. But hat is part of life and lessons we all learn whether we want to or not. It is supposed to build character. It is supposed to teach us...what? I don't know but I suppose we get stronger from it.

My Sister very best friend lost her Step-Dad the other day. He was battling an illness that he was fast losing. He was sick and in pain. I imagine he was scared too. But his family had a chance to gather around him and say goodbye. I hope he knew how much he was loved and how very much he will be missed. I am sure he did. As the family watched him suffering, his wife let him know it was okay to go. Watching him so sick was so hard on her and she selflessly told him it was okay to go tot he other side. I can't imagine how painful that was for her but I believe that was what he needed to hear. He went quietly and, I hope, peacefully to the other side. Even though she let him know she was okay with letting go, she will still suffer the pain.

I believe that a loss of a good friend can be almost as painful. Nothing can compare to the death of a loved one but a break-ups have a special pain of its own. This is the reason for my recent blogging quiet. I have chosen to break up with a friend whom I thought I was close to. If you have been reading me for a while you know about my friend m and her son O. You know about the e mail she sent me that upset me so much. If not you can read a post about it here to get the gist of it.

After a few e mails back and forth, I realized that she does not get my point, or refuses to get it, I am not sure. I apologized to her for anything I might have done to hurt her but I wanted her to understand why I was hurt too. I guess my feelings were not as important as hers. Yesterday, I decided to cut the friendship. A lot of the things she said to me hurt and I don' think I can ever look at her the same. The fact that she could not talk to me about what was bothering her to my face, like friends are supposed to be able to do, and did not get why that upset me so much...well, that was what made my mind up.

I valued her as a friend. I counted her as my best friend but deep down inside I knew this was the way the friendship was going to go. I knew this about a year ago but I tried to hold on to what we had. I have come to realize that we were friends in a rather one sided friendship. I don't feel like I got my share out of it. I don't feel like I was listened to when I needed someone. I had a good time when I was with her but I would realize later that I felt more like an assistant then a friend. I don't know why I could not see it when we were together.

But even that being said, I am mourning what is gone. I hurt. I wrote to her telling her that I was done and that I wished her the best but I just couldn't do this anymore. After I sent the e mail, I sat for the longest time just re-playing everything that had happened in my head. I was/am so down and have not even wanted to be on the computer for the past few days.

I have never lost someone close to death or a break up (until now) and I wonder, how long will this last? If there any way to stop thinking about it whenever my mind has a few moments of quiet? Does she hurt too? If she thinking about what is now lost? I hope she feels just as sad...that may be anger talking.

I know what I did was the right thing. I know that it would never have been the same and trying to remain friends with her most likely would have ended up hurting me even more but that does not make it hurt any less.

This is posted on my main blog and if you would like to comment, I would love if you would do so over there.

Most of the times in my life I feel every bit of the 33 years I have earned on this earth. Grown up responsibilities make us feel grown up right? But every once in a while, times like when I am loading the dishwasher, taking kids to school, or even putting Zakary to bed with one of my famous stories about pooping in the potty, the hilarity of what I am hits me full force.

I am a Mom...of 4 kids. Real live, breathing, thinking, actual human beings. I am married! Married!!. I run a house, and have my own car. I owe money...lots of money.

Ya see, I escaped moved from home when I was 17. For some reason, I guess I expected life in my childhood home to stop. Whenever I would visit home I was always shocked to see how much my father aged or that my old friends were married. It still happens to me.

I have a younger sister whom I don't talk about. It is not that I don't love her but more about where she is in her life right now that keeps her in my private thoughts. When I left home she was 13 years old. A baby. Her life was about 7th grade, band, and a boy my mother encouraged her to date.

I would visit a few times a year, feeling it my obligation to check in with my parents so I could give my step-mom a chance to look down on me or (my personal favorite) cook large porks roast every time I visited, accidentally I was always assured, for my future husband who does not eat pork. Can you say passive aggressive?

Each visit I would see my sister and marvel over the fact that she was becoming a woman. The boyfriend became more serious, she began smoking, and I was shocked at the level of freedom she was given compared to what I was allowed. At the time I can honestly say I was jealous but now I know I should not have been.

And as the years wore on, she took this freedom and ran with it. My little sister, the little baby I used to call fanny butt, and bathe with, and play with, started drinking and having sex with this great boyfriend that my Mom thought was perfect for her.

My sister continued to go down hill and her choices got more dangerous...and more destructive. It eventually caught up with her. Drugs, beatings, miscarriages because of the beatings, and many other things I am not ready to talk about yet. But still I would see her as that little 13 year old girl, shocked that she would even know how to do some of the things that she has done.

Frozen in time. And sometimes, I see myself like that too. Married at 18. Kids at ages 19, 22, 25, and 30. Mortgage, car loans, responsibilities coming out of every direction and I still sometimes feel like a kid. My father's gray hair, my mother's bad knees, and my Sister's son, when did this all happen?

Every time I blink, I swear Kamran grows another few inches or Sara's breasts get a little larger, And I think to myself, time moves too fast. Seems like not long ago I was just a kid in high school.

I wonder what it will be like to grow old and have grandchildren. Will this sensation grow even stronger and more persistent? It is not scary but can be sad at times, like looking at my father and knowing he will not be around much longer, or amusing, like when I have to look up to get on to Kamran about something. Will I still have moments where I feel like the world is moving at a faster rate then my life is? Do others experience this?

I thought this post would help people here get to know me better. Enjoy.

*I am 33 years old and have been married to my husband (who is 43) for 14 years.

*We live is one of the many burbs outside of Dallas and have been living in the same old house for 10 years.

*It took all of those 10 years for me to convince my extremely cheap husband to replace the carpets with wood floor.

*I have 4 kids ages 2 to 13 so off white carpet was really stupid idea.

*It was in the house when we got it.

*Sometimes I am really lonely and wish I had a few more good friends.

*I am shy. That is probably why I only have a small amount of friends.

*I can be brutally honest.

*Sometimes, I tell a little too much about me too soon.

*I was abused as a child by my Step-Mom. We have actually worked through it and are friends now.

*My Dad was/is an alcoholic. He is one of those annoyingly happy when he has been drinking drunks. He is a good guy though and I feel bad for him.

*I was also sexually abused as a child. I never want to see another child go through that. I carry guilt around with me every day because I never told anyone. I keep wondering how many other kids went through it because I was too scared to tell?

*I am trying to let that go.

*I love the internet and don't do anything unless I Google it first.

*I have Googled myself.

*I have a sister who lives in Boston. We were reunited after many, many years.

*I love her dearly.

*I am a SAHM but I am ready to get back into the work force.

*That scares the hell out of me.

*I am overweight and don't like being that way but...why does food have to be so damn good?

*I was a band geek and still live it through my oldest son who plays the trumpet.

*I am terrified of my daughter and puberty.

*My daughter has ADHD (and so does my son but not the hyper part of it). It makes life with her difficult at times.

*She is something special...she wants to be a teacher. I hope she enjoys being poor!

*My middle boy was reading by age 2 1/2. His favorite book was the Lexmark printer manual.

*The baby was a HUGE surprise. We had just decided a few month earlier to shut down the baby shop.

*I cried when I found out...and not tears of joy. I thought I miscarried at 10 weeks and then I knew just how much I really wanted him.

*I always learn a lot about myself when I write these kinds of posts.

*I hope I did not bore you too much.