Just to clarify (because, obviously, men don't get it) there are certain times when I (and all women) do not want to be touched. Get a pencil and take notes, men:

1. During pregnancy. You've already planted your seed. Now back the fuck off and let me rest for the next nine months, while I gestate!




2. During a period. Cramps, bloating, gas, sore boobs, aching legs, irritability. "Do I want to have sex?" Ummm...no. I want to curl up and die.




3. Five minutes after the kids are in bed. I just spent the whole day cleaning up messes, wiping butts and breaking up fights. For the love of God, let me wash the shit smell off of my hands and relax for a minute!




4. When grieving. My husband had to learn this when my grandpa died. Comfort for the loss of a loved one does not come in the form of penetration. In fact, nothing but penetration comes in the form of penetration. No...not even oral sex.




5. When blogging. When I'm sitting at the computer, my eyes are transfixed, my fingers are pecking away and I look as if I'm in another world...I am. If you break that concentration, I will bite your ever loving head off.




6. When I ask to be left alone. It's like the rape saying goes..."No" does not mean yes. "Not right now" does not mean in ten seconds. "Get away from me" does not mean keep up the persistence. No is no is no.

Did I make myself clear? DON'T TOUCH ME!!