Just to clarify (because, obviously, men don't get it) there are certain times when I (and all women) do not want to be touched. Get a pencil and take notes, men:

1. During pregnancy. You've already planted your seed. Now back the fuck off and let me rest for the next nine months, while I gestate!




2. During a period. Cramps, bloating, gas, sore boobs, aching legs, irritability. "Do I want to have sex?" Ummm...no. I want to curl up and die.




3. Five minutes after the kids are in bed. I just spent the whole day cleaning up messes, wiping butts and breaking up fights. For the love of God, let me wash the shit smell off of my hands and relax for a minute!




4. When grieving. My husband had to learn this when my grandpa died. Comfort for the loss of a loved one does not come in the form of penetration. In fact, nothing but penetration comes in the form of penetration. No...not even oral sex.




5. When blogging. When I'm sitting at the computer, my eyes are transfixed, my fingers are pecking away and I look as if I'm in another world...I am. If you break that concentration, I will bite your ever loving head off.




6. When I ask to be left alone. It's like the rape saying goes..."No" does not mean yes. "Not right now" does not mean in ten seconds. "Get away from me" does not mean keep up the persistence. No is no is no.

Did I make myself clear? DON'T TOUCH ME!!

What's that you say? Bloggers do get paid? Shit. I knew it.

Here I thought all this time that blogging and writing for websites was, in itself, rewarding. I have been foolishly pouring out my soul for the public to form opinions on...for absolutely free, when I could be profiting from it?

Sheesh! Why didn't anyone tell me that we are supposed to get paid? Who's in charge of blogger communications, here? I need to file a complaint. I was clearly not informed of the fact that our efforts desrve more than an "lol" in the comments section.

Oh...so we have to be good at blogging to get paid? Okay. That makes sense. I guess I'll just be happy with my meager comments and offers to write for free. Maybe someday my writing will be worth something in the form of American currency.

If riches were horses, this blogger would ride until she got saddle sores!

I friggen quit. I suck at this job and I'm not going to pretend that I can get better. I've been at this job for ten years now and I still don't know what the hell I'm doing!

Even presidents only have four years until they can be ousted if they suck...and they are in charge of the whole damn nation! You would think that mothers would be subject to review every few years, as well. No. Society is not that functional. CPS usually waits until the kids are near death until the deem in necessary to take the kids and place them in a better situation. I have been royally screwing up for a decade, now and still I have the power to mess up the seven humans that I have been entrusted to raise.

Where is the justice in allowing crappy parents who acutally admit that they are ill equipped to do their job, to retain rights to their children? What does a girl have to do to get fired around here? I thought that being on Supernanny was a clear cry for help. Did nobody notice how badly I stink at being a mom? Hello? I needed the help of some British nanny and a whole television station to get my shit together and I still don't have the answers. Do I need to paint a damn picture for CPS?

I NEED TO BE FIRED. Apparently nobody cares. The kids run wild. They suffer minor injuries. They never have matching clothes. They always fight amongst themselves. Still, I am called the guardian of these little people. I give up. Here is my two days notice, because two weeks is just too long. I will be resigning and moving to Mexico where I will bartend by day and dance the night away.

So...now all that is left is one burning question:
Who's with me?

I am nervous. Some well known author just asked me to submit a story of my relationship with my mother, for consideration. He's got some new book in the works. What if I send him something and it sucks? I cannot stand rejection. I was the kid in elementary school who would cry if I got a bad grade. I could not stomach the thought of being chosen last for a baseball team. I can't even finish my book, for fear that it will stink worse than a bucket full of buttholes!
Talk about pressure! What exactly does he want? Stories of my clean freak mother who would vaccuum the house at 7 in the morning? The story of my mother's nervous breakdown and how we had to survive my dad's abandonment? Funny stories of how my mom drank too much when we took a girl's trip to Vegas and she puked all night?
What does this guy want from me????? Oh god, time for some Lexapro...

I have to speak up here. Far be it from me to create drama where there hasn't been any, as of yet, but I would just like to reiterate the importance of being kind to others. I know that this place has a ranking system. I know that everyone is entitled to rank others.
HOWEVER....
If there is something about another person that just rubs me the wrong way, I know better than to leave terrible rankings on their blog/profile/etc... It is the adult thing to walk away and leave that undesirable person be. It is NOT the adult thing to rank everything that they are proud of and have worked so hard on, poorly.
Am I alone in my sentiment? My mother told me to say things that will build others up or keep my mouth shut. While I have forgotten that rule at times (as every human does,) it really needs to be enforced here at the Buzz. Rankings are not meant to be a tool of hate. Can I get an AMEN??