ARBY’S FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS

I have never in my life been to an Arby’s, nor do I know a single person who eats there. Yet they’re everywhere. In fact, they are in 48 states. This puzzles Elaine. Why does Arby’s still exist? Who eats there? Have you ever waken up with a terrible hangover and thought to yourself. “Fuck,….I could totally go for an Arby’s beef and cheddar sandwich…”? I’m guessing no. Is Arbys really a money-laundering operation for the Russian Mafia? How do they make any money? Who eats at Arbys? Get back to me….

WOMEN WHO WEAR THEIR BATHING SUITS IN THE SHOWER AT THE GYM

Seriously, we’re all women here. No one is looking at your hoo-haa. Take the bathing suit off. Are you that self-conscious that you can’t be naked around other women? I love being naked. If nudist communities had more attractive people, I would consider packing the family up and heading to some clothing-optional community in Boca Raton. Someone please explain this phenomenon.

FLAMING QUEERS WHO MARRY (WOMEN)

Why are we not talking about this big white elephant? I cannot tell you the number of flamers I have met over the years who are married (to women) and have kids. These are men who accessorize, use the word “fabulous,” lisp, watch America’s Next Top Model religiously and love to shop. I’m not talking metrosexualish…I’m talking Carson Kressley gay.

One of these men teaches my 4:15 pm step-aerobics class. I don’t get it. Are the women who marry these men seriously retarded, are they just desperate? Or am I missing something? You can not tell me that having sex with a super skinny, eyebrow-waxing, hair-product-wearing, Perez-Hilton-reading, house-music-listening dude is hot. It’s not too late to find real love. Gay men, and the dumb women who marry you: Let’s end this charade once and for all. Or at least explain it to Elaine.

WWW.GIRLGONECHILD.COM

Haley is taking a carpenter Jake hiatus this weekend so, unfortunately, you’re stuck with Elaine. To be honest, my life isn’t all that interesting these days. I had a date with People Magazine and a bottle of pinot grigio last night (Nathan was out of town).

So, instead of boring you with Baby G anecdotes (although she is incredibly adorable and could single-handedly end the War on Terror if the extremists just spent five minutes with that Jewish princess), I’m going to talk about my extreme dislike of Tom Cruise – the ultimate celebrity douche bag.

Before I get into why I hate T.C., I would like to say that I try to be fair and impartial when it comes to celebs. I feel sorry for Brittney, think that Pamela Anderson (i.e., Cheri) is a sweet yet misguided not-so-smart woman, and have defended Beth’s decision to marry Howard Stern.

I have been conflicted about Tom in the past. Not because I think he may actually be a normal person, but because I really love his friends. I think Will and Jada are such a fab couple, so my reasoning has always been: Well, if Will and Jada like him, he must be okay… Now I just think that Will and Jada must be freaks. And don’t get me started on Brooke Shields. Brooke, how could you pussy-out like that? The man talked shit about you on national television and you end up flying to his wedding? I hope the hors d’oeuvres were worth it.

March 2002: Tom is asked to give the opening speech at the Oscars. There was a lot of talk that year about whether awards shows should go on in light of 9/11.

Tom: "After the events of 9/11, isn’t an acting awards show frivolous? Should we celebrate the joy and magic the movies bring? Dare I say it? More than ever! A small scene, a gesture, even a glance between characters can cross lines, break through barriers, melt prejudice or just plain make us laugh."

Shut the fuck up! This was my first clue that T.C. was a nut job. I don’t care if someone else wrote that ridiculous speech. The fact that he was okay saying Dare I say it…more than ever, was my first indication that he truly is a douche.

2005: Tom has his people get in touch with Katie’s people – he wants to meet her. Next thing you know, they’re in love. Tom freaks out on Oprah’s couch. Blah Blah Blah.

A month later, Katie is now “Kate” and looks like a completely different woman. Is it me, or does Katie now look like a little girl wearing her mother’s clothes?

Tom makes the following statement: "Katie is a young girl’s name. Her name is Kate now, she’s a child-bearing woman."

Katie, let me help you. Get the fuck out of there! He’s a nut job. Suri and Baby G are very close in age and have very similar personalities. G will make Suri’s transition much easier. You can stay with us, until we figure something out. Granted, our house is 800 square-feet and may be a bit of an adjustment for you, but anything is better than the madness of Tom. Nathan is a great cook and we have premium cable channels. I also have GGC fans around the country who will assist with your escape, including a very successful lawyer in L.A. who can handle the custody battle.

You are not alone, Katie. We are here to help you. We all make mistakes. Once we get Suri and Baby G to sleep and you are settled on the air mattress in the living room, I will open a bottle of wine and share with you all of the dumb things that Haley and I have done over the years. You were young and he was a big movie star. It’s understandable. One day, you and Jonah will look back on your T.C. years and laugh.

2008 - http://gawker.com/5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tried-to-suppress. This video speaks for itself.

Now, back to my point: Tom, you’re a douche bag.

Katie, RUN!!!!

Katie’s parents, DO SOMETHING!!!

Nicole, GO BACK TO COURT AND GET FULL CUSTODY OF ISABELLA AND CONNOR!

Oprah meet Tom, Tom meet Oprah.

GIRLGONECHILD.COM

Elaine

www.girlgonechild.com

An open letter to Oprah

Oprah,

I have been your number-one fan for 25 years and have stuck by you through good times and bad. But it’s time that Elaine moves on. I’m done with you Oprah. This is it. I admit, I was starting to lose interest in you a few years ago, but then you and Gayle had your road trip adventure and my god, it brought me right back.

I’ve tried to stay faithful since, but a variety of factors (your continued rejection, your dumb show topics and your uppity ways) have led me to believe that my dear friend Joanna has always been right: it’s time that I start a relationship with Ellen. It’s over.

Let’s start with your rejection of me. In the past 10 years, I have sent you countless emails, letters, and videotapes outlining why you should have me on the show. I’ve also entered every single Oprah giveaway and have nothing to show for it. I have never even heard from you or your staff.

October 2002: Elaine sends in a video begging for an Oprah intervention. Elaine is drinking way too much, spending too much money and dating Jake after Jake after Philip after Derek. Elaine needs Dr. Robin’s help. Elaine is one of those “smart women who makes bad choices.” Elaine hears nothing from Harpo.

July 2005: Elaine sends Oprah an email telling her that, for many years, she was going down the wrong path, but finally got it together and is now a lawyer, engaged to a wonderful man, blah blah blah. She is an Oprah success story and should be on the show to discuss. Nada.

February 2006: Elaine sends in another video. Elaine needs a pregnancy makeover. Frankly, she looks like shit. Besides the 60 lbs. that she’s gained, she can’t seem to wear anything but sweatpants and crocs. She’s discovered a scrunchy from 1986 and wears it with a ponytail every day. Haley is worried that Nathan is going to dump his new bride. Oprah would rather have that piece-of-shit fraud, James Frey (the author who totally made up his memoir), on the show. That worked out well didn’t it?

December 2006: Elaine needs a post-pregnancy makeover. Elaine compels all of her friends to come over to her house on a Friday night to help make the video. These are super cool, interesting women who all have better things to do with their lives but they come… they drink wine… they make an ingenious video outlining how desperately Elaine needs a “new look.” Surprise, surprise. Elaine doesn’t even get an email thanking her for her submission.

1998-2007: Numerous emails and letters offering ideas for show topics, advice, support, and validation to Oprah Winfrey. Additionally, Elaine raises $64.56 for Oprah’s Angel Network and never gets a thank you.

Sure, she’s not Bon Jovi. She doesn’t have a million dollars to give. But, do you think it was easy convincing Haley to wear her tightest jeans, highest heels and stand on the street corner like a common prostitute with a car-wash sign? No, it was not easy. But Haley, being Elaine’s “Gayle,” took one for the team and did it anyways (and she met like eight hot guys that day). $64.56 may not be bubkas to you O, but to us, it’s something.

As far as show topics are concerned, you need some new blood my friend. Dr. Oz can only talk about Alphabet Poop for so long. I’m over it.

Nate, you are adorable. I really have nothing bad to say about you, you adorable gay decorator you. I will continue to be your fan.

I do have something bad to say to my ASSHOLE BROTHER, ALLEN, who lives in Chicago: Dear Allen, your in-laws live in Nate’s building. They know each other. Their dogs play together. You have held the Oprah key in your hand for years. And yet, you do nothing. You keep telling me to “be patient..I need to find the right time…blah blah blah.” Well Allen, it’s been three years and I’m done. Usually, you’re a great older brother, and very generous. You’ve gotten me out of a lot of shit in the past. But honestly, I’m not sure I can forgive this. You and your people could have made this happen. And now it’s too late. I hope you’re happy.

As far as your uppity ways O, it was this issue that made me finally draw a line in the sand: On yesterday’s show, you thought it would be fun to do a segment on Shoe Designer Christian Louboutin. Great idea. Let’s show millions of Americans ridiculously expensive beautiful shoes that they will never in a million years be able to afford. Then, let’s tell them all how we love these shoes, wear them all the time, and have so many pairs.

“Oh, sorry everyone. You will never own any of these shoes. But look at what my billionaire ass wears all the time. Isn’t’ it great. Don’t you just love me?….”

Not anymore , O.

See you on the Red Carpet, Bitch.

Elaine

www.girlgonechild.com

The lovely and super talented SGM(scentedglossymagazines.blogspot.com) inspired an interesting question: if Nathan gave me a “free pass” who would I choose? I guess I’ve never thought much about it because, to be honest, prior to meeting Nathan, I made Haley look like Sister Rose-Marie from Our Lady of Sorrow Catholic Convent.

My husband and I have an unspoken agreement…he knows that I whored my away around my twenties, but doesn’t ask questions, and I don’t offer details. What matters is the present. I’m happily married to a man who rocks my world. However, if I was given the okay, here are my top five:

1. Denzel Washington. Yeah, he’s kind of old now but Denzel, circa 1990/Mo’ Better Blues made me wish that my name was Pauletta. Every time he’s on Oprah, I fall in love with him all over again. He has that “it factor” AND he’s a family man which makes me hot. Just give me twenty minutes Denzel, that’s all I ask. Any longer than that and I think we would have some conflicts – you are a devout Christian and I am a Jew. The minute you started trying to convince me that unless I accepted J.C. as my lord and savior, blah blah blah, I would lose interest. But I think we could accomplish my goals in about twenty minutes.




2. Clive Owen. Clive, I want you to pull my hair and talk dirty. You don’t even have to talk dirty really. Just talk. Jesus, that voice! To be honest, I don’t give a fuck what you say. I actually called Haley the other day to tell her about a new cashier at Trader Joes who looks just like C.O. Unfortunately, Haley won’t step foot in TJs because she’s avoiding phone calls/emails from another cashier that she hooked up with a few months ago. Her loss. VT, he’s all yours.




3. Mark Ruffalo




4. Chris Cornell from Audioslave/Soundgarden. Yeah, so you’re 5’2. Chris, I don’t care. As long as you sing Set if off while you’re unbuttoning my pants and kissing my neck, I can live with the height issue.




5. And my number one free- pass ass: Mark Wahlberg AKA Marky Mark. What is about you Mark? Is it your South Boston background? Your abs? The fact that you portrayed a sweet porn star? Your accent? You should know that I am not alone in my lust for you. There are thousands of thirty-something stay-at-home-moms living in suburbia who would would fight like young brides at a Filenes Basement Bridal Gown Sale to get a piece of you. Something to think about when consulting with security experts.

Come on women, fess up.

Elaine

www.girlgonechild.com

Haley and I live in Portland, Oregon. Most people think of P-town as a beautiful, rainy place. True. What you may not know is that Portland consists primarily of freaks, weirdos, hippies, hipsters, and obsessed animal lovers. Throw in a few uber-cool shoe designers, writers, and indy rock stars and you pretty much cover the entire demographic of our fair city.

Haley and I do not really fit in here. Despite the fact that I am a Portland native (as is my father), I am much more an East Coast girl at heart. And Haley, well, Haley really should be living in San Francisco – especially since she tends to date metrosexuals who seem really really gay to me.

Some Portland statistics:

Shoe of choice: Clogs (for both genders)

Drink of choice: Coffee, but only if it’s fair-trade and organically grown. Farmers must be paid at least $15.00 per hour regardless of region and company must contribute profits to farmers’ education, healthcare, environmental stewardship, and community development. Consumers seen entering Starbucks are usually wearing dark glasses and hats.

Secondary drink of choice: Microbrew. Don’t even think of drinking a Budweiser or Coors in public. Exception to microbrew: Miller High Life which has replaced PBR as hipster beer of choice (ironic beer).

Car of choice: Suburu.

Popular Portland Jobs: barista, bike messenger, overeducated food servers who pride themselves on poor service and rudeness.

Political cause: bicycle riding. Yes, in Portland bike protests are common and encouraged. We have several bike non-profits. Bike groups are elitist and do not welcome power walkers into their fold. Elaine has tried to start a power walking section of Critical Mass (militant bike movement), without success.

Hobbies: dog walking, African dance at local community center, protests, spitting on police officers, baby yoga, organic horticulture, ironic poverty.

Popular children’s activities: nursing until age 5, sleeping with parents until age 7, intensive Japanese language camps.

Keep Portland Weird is the unofficial city motto. You will see this expression on many bumper stickers (oh yes, Portland is the bumper sticker capital of the world).

My point, I just want you all to experience what it is like living in this city. Some of you may even be considering a move here. Before you do, you should read the following dialogue Elaine had with a someone on craigslist. (Elaine is a big craigslist fan, because, among other reasons, she met her beloved Nathan on that site.)

Elaine: Can someone tell me the name of the new dog spa on 20th and Burnside? Trying to get the dog to the groomer before we go to my in-laws house for Christmas. Our regular place is booked.

Craigslist Dog Freak: Boo! I take my dog, and have been, to another established neighborhood doggie day care. These clueless guys are walking in on a lot of established and well thought out businesses that didn’t move virtually next door to a pet food store and other day cares. These are all good mom and pop places that are deserving of your business, even if you really must get your dog groomed at this joint. Small local business is supposed to fit and work congruently with the others. It’s called community. This place is very out of step. Just thought you should be keen to that.

Elaine: OKAY, so please refer me to a groomer that can get my stinky dog in before Saturday. My mother-in-law will not be happy with a stinky dog in her house.

Craigslist Dog Freak: Really? Sure you aren’t posting in CL to advertise the worst store I’ve ever been in and most disrespectful of MEAT (other dog store) just a block away. You have the same products as them. You offer services that are already offered by at least two other daycares within spitting distance from you and your undercutting franchise mentality is a real lame move. If for some really minute chance this is not the spa trying a cheap shot at advertising, do yourself and your dog a favor and uh, wait. Is it really that urgent? Your dog is not groomed? And you are asking CL community to hunt down info? Please.

Elaine: Seriously dude. I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not even a dog person. I’m actually the step-mother to the fucking dog. We have a baby. We don’t get the dog to the groomer enough. I’ll send you a picture of the dog if you want. Honestly, I use CL for everything. I’m just looking for a groomer. Our dog is half Australian sheppard and half lab - big dog. Hard to wash in the tub.

Craigslist Dog Freak: Go ahead and go there if that is the case but please support the businesses that have been around. These guys literally approached one of these businesses and told them that they were gonna move in next door and probably start selling the same stuff as them. That’s cold.

Elaine: So give me the name/number of a groomer and I will happily support a mom and pop business. I have no problem with that. I just need to find a place before we leave on our trip. I’ll even tell them that you referred me so that you will know that I am not The Man trying to advertise my big corporate establishment on craigslist. Again, I’m not a dog person. I don’t even like dogs.

Never heard back from this guy. Nathan ended up taking the dog to a do-it-yourself place.

The End