I think it's proof positive that I need at least one more hobby:

I'd give it a yes if it were someone else--what do you think? Please vote in the comments and spread the word so we get a good sample on the "Am I nuts or not?" vote.

Hi, everyone!

Yes, I'm alive! I've just been dealing with the cold setting in and having to manage more pain than in warmer weather. While a move out of the northern US might be good for my back it'd be bad for my head, so I'm not up for another out of state move--not after the last time, when I wound up packing only about 20 percent of what I own into my brother's truck to escape my former future mother in law. I'm not having anything of the sort happen to me again, so Wisconsin's where I'm parking this butt.

The music player is fixed--I love this player because it's so easy to use, but often the files each song is pointed at disappear, so the player can't use them and every once in awhile I have to go thru it and redirect the song to a working file. I just did it with over 20 songs, so while I was at it I grabbed some new songs--Jeff Healey (may he rest in peace, playing the blues wherever his soul went when he passed away from the eye cancer that stole his sight many years ago and has been a lifelong battle ever since) is figuring prominently in the new song list, but it's because I finally found some files so that I could get a few. Many are the blues music he dove into awhile back--he recorded several blues albums and was about to release another one when he fell ill the last time. So, bear with me and check out one of the most talented and unique guitarists of our generation.

I've gotten a couple of pictures of the new batch of kits the PS has. They're now escaping their keeper and beginning to explore the world, with Mama Yoh (the Ho) and sister Sugar helping to keep them out of major trouble. I'll take the camera this weekend and get some more current stuff up--they're about 2 weeks old in these shots. The darker one looks like she's going to be a long-haired baby, all in charcoal, and her sister will be tiger-striped just like Uncle Buddy and Mama. Just what I need--more kittens that I wish I could keep forever, but if you know someone in Central or Northern Wisconsin who wants a little cute baby kitty, let me know and I'll give you contact info to pass on. Sugar's all set to go to a new home; the little grey ladies have about another 6-8 weeks before they'll be ready to go. Meanwhile I'll try to train them to warm feet and noses--my favorite things cats do besides giving nose kisses and doubling as heating pads on sore backs.

I think the PS has finally settled his Internet issues--he did finally get online for quite awhile last night. It's like when we first met again--I can tease via keyboard and when we get together things are back to warm and cozy.

I think we're both still recovering from events that started at the beginning of last year and ran thru the present, where we're dealing with personal effects of his dad and it's been astonishing what we've found--even some ration coupons that included his eldest brother from World War II! Amazing that they've lasted this long--sure, they're yellowed with age but in near-perfect shape, even the ones that have used up the ration stamps. I'll be checking around the Net on some of the items we've uncovered--we suspect some of it could be quite valuable, which would be great if they turn out to be of interest to a collector or three. More on that if it turns up.

And I'm back to work--I have a custom job to finish. It's nearly done but I'd like to see it out of the house on Tuesday when I get home from the weekend. I see my doc Monday, when I get to tell him one of the new medications is causing several problems while not relieving one iota of pain, and I may be facing another increase in pain medications--seems everything but those two are doing what they should. We'll see how it goes on Monday.

Have a good one this week and enjoy a wonderful weekend if you can!

How many of you remember hearing an elderly relative grouse, "It's going to rain--I can feel it in my bones" or "My knee's saying it's going to be a big snowstorm--better get prepared for a snow-in".

It seemed even funnier when the weatherman was crowing that you could leave your umbrella at home because there was only 20% chance that there would be rain, didn't it?

Wasn't so damned funny when Granny turned out to be right and you got soaked in full business attire, was it?

Nope--been there myself and didn't understand it, even when my own body was playing barometer.

And that's exactly what your maiden Aunt Emma was doing--there are scientific studies that suggest that it's not just possible to feel weather changes in joints when the person feeling them has a chronic pain condition, but very likely that they're dead-on right. The studies go on to say that the barometric changes change the pressure the atmosphere places on joints and tendons, enough to increase the pain felt by owners of same.

Well, today my shoulder, knee and most of my back are saying we're going to get rain--probably not thunderstorms, but lots of steady rain with a small chance of heavier stuff. That means I'm not lifting anything heavier than the cat and will be taking a rest break this afternoon to stretch everything out, like it or not.

Fortunately I can play Yahtzee by myself--one of the ways I distract myself from severe pain is playing a hand-held game. I own two; but I'm a little tired of the poker game, so Yahtzee it is! Right after my Freecycle contact picks up my old printer--it's so old...

(Shouted: How old is it?)

It's so old my computer won't install it, even when fed the driver by my own lily-white hands--it spits it all out, saying right out that the printer's too old to run with this OS, so my birthday present (besides the trip to Geek.Kon that I need to post pics here of) was a new all-in-one! YIPPEE!

SO--I'm off to wander the Net til it's time to hand over the old printer, then it's time to do a nap-out for part of the afternoon. Hopefully I'll feel better later.

Have a good day everyone!

Hi, all!

I'm still pretty depressed (see last blog post) but trying to accept that this is the way it's going to go for awhile until I can change my situation. I'm trying to plan out how I can do that, but meanwhile dealing with each day on its own as well.

Where have I been? Been dealing with the PS--some times go better than others and he doesn't get how close he came to seeing me walk away after he told me he wanted to live on his own after promising me he'd never do that to me. He very nearly got told to go to hell and never come back today after a very heated argument. I'm still not sure I shouldn't do exactly that.

And that's enough about him, because this past weekend eclipses today.

This weekend was... STELLAR! The PS took me to a great anime convention, Geek.Kon, where we had a great time all weekend and even wound up on TV! See my blog for the clip from Madison's ABC station--I'm in the very first shot, wearing a long black Chinese coat with red dragons embroidered on the back (and lots of long hair falling down my back). I was surrounded by friends, both old and new, and had him to share the excellent weekend with too. And the rest of my birthday present was a badly-needed all in one printer/copier/scanner--when I tried to install my Epson C66 the computer told me it was too old for it.

I did get sick towards the end--a side effect of at least one of my medications--which made us leave early but even so it was a great way to celebrate my birthday. One of the artists gave me a bag she made as a present, I got hugged and glomped all over the place by big piles of people, which was cool since it usually never happens to me.

Since then I've been putting more steam into my custom job--once that's done then I'm hitting the soap pot. I have some lovely suggestions and a couple of things I want to have on hand for Christmas sales, plus I need to make my gorgeous Monoi de Tahiti lotion--I'll write more about it later, but it's complete pampering in a bottle and I seldom get any to keep myself because everyone else loves it too!

I also have a really cute and simple crochet pattern I want to try out once the custom job is done, but since I can read and knit at the same time I'll be around a little more. It's great knowing I'll be back more often--I miss you guys!

I'll post more later--for now it's off to bed with me and I'll see you all again very soon.

I'm sorry for the depressing post, but even tho the PS doesn't have Internet yet, I know that once he does the first thing he'll do is read my blog from the time he had to leave off up to whenever "the present" will be and I don't want him to see this. I also don't want friends or family from offline to see either and none of them have found me here, so this is where some of the brain dumping's going to have to be done. Grade it 8 and leave now if you're not up to some serious self-hatred.

I hate that I had to do it but I did it--I applied for Medicaid and FoodShare last month (the formerly-known Food Stamps but the name changed because now it's credit-card-like instead of funky little books with funky little papers in them). I got the notice today that I was declared eligible and would receive full benefits, including payment of my Medicare part B insurance premiums, saving me nearly $100 a month alone, not to mention all the prescription charges.

The other times I did it were for survival, as was this time, but they weren't in the damned county where everyone's known me since the sixth grade because that's where my mom worked from then until her retirement four years ago. I know I didn't have a choice--copays on my medications were over 25% of my disability payment (something else I hate, being on SSD--and my goal is to work myself off it, which will take time while the economy recovers enough to make it possible) and by the time I bought food and paid living expenses there wasn't much left.

But the other times I had a small child to raise on my own--for her, I would have stripped anywhere that would hire my plus-sized ass. I'd have done worse to give her what she needed and deserved. This time it's only for me and it makes me feel guilty and depressed that I had to "go there" and do it. It depresses me--I detest knowing that I can't even make enough to qualify for a sales tax permit because under state tax law I'm a hobbyist at this point. I need to suck it up and realize that qualifying for public aid means I need the shit and I shouldn't be ashamed. Knowing that doesn't make me feel better and never will.

I keep crying about having to do it in the county where everyone knows me because they know my mom. It makes me hate myself in a way I haven't done since I quit doing drugs. In other words, I haven't felt like this in 16 years and I'm not sure why I do now--embarrassment about walking into the office and having the staff call me by name wasn't bad at all when it was just because I was B's daughter, but now that I'm a "client" I get that guilty jump? That probably has a lot to do with it. Looking at the same women who bought band magazine subscriptions and Girl Scout Cookies and yearbook candy and proving that I need help paying medical and prescription bills and help with buying food (since Mom and I have totally different tastes in food)? Oh hell yes. I just want to hide under a chair so as few workers as possible see me at my appointments. I even did my application online so I wouldn't have to go in for a first appointment. That didn't help much either, but it did let me get up the nerve to start the process because I didn't have to face anyone or anything but the bank balance that made it crystal clear I wouldn't be able to pay for this month's meds.

I should be glad some of the burden is lifted. I should be grateful these programs exist to help people like me. I should be happydancing because I qualified for full benefits including the FoodShare card.

I'm not, and it's not because my back doesn't put up with any sort of dancing, even happydancing.

I think the biggest reason is I didn't earn it. A big part of my self-esteem has been getting by as much on my own as possible, asking for as little as possible and paying it ALL back, either dollar for dollar or doing what work I'm able to do in order to offer a payback that way. I didn't earn this--needing it badly enough that I had no trouble qualifying doesn't make it any better.

I don't know why anyone likes being "On Welfare" and tries their hardest to stay on it--there may be people who don't feel as I do about the subject, realizing they're getting money from hardworking taxpayers so they can continue to sit on their ass and collect checks and accumulate FoodShare balances that let them afford steak while the price of hamburger makes most of the city wince.

And before anyone jumps my ass on the subject, I do believe this system is there for those who need it--hell, Mom had the job she did in the system in the first place because she was left with two kids to raise alone and qualified for a Ford administration job-training program.

I have absolutely nothing against those who use the programs because they have genuine, legitimate need for them. But I also feel that those who goldbrick to qualify so they don't have to go out and work but still had more money coming in than I did while I was able to work the two jobs I usually worked have a serious ethical problem and I pray someday they'll prefer the pride of making their own way to the lifestyle of waiting for the dates their benefits are paid out to roll around.

You know, the way I used to feel.

But I think I've got enough shame and depression to loan them some. If they're too lazy to even feel bad, fine--they can have some of how I feel right now. In fact, maybe someone had better take some from me because I'm not sure I can deal with what I've got.

I didn't realize how lousy it made me feel to open the envelope and find a card inside that meant food money until I started this brain dump. The only hope I can even think of having right now is that someday I'll be paying taxes again and replacing the drain I am putting on systems like Medicaid. Given the current economy it's going to be a much longer time than I'd imagined even as much as a month ago.

I'm sure someone's going to tell me to "suck it up" and deal with the fact that I need this help. I'm not sure storing it inside is a good idea right now--if I store much more shame and self-hate, someone's going to decide I need a new place to live--one with unbreakable windows, soft-padded rooms and nifty jackets with really loooooooong arms, at which point I'm going to have to make myself un-findable because I won't live that way. If that's the only choice I get, I don't think I'd choose to live at all.