(copied off my blog, http://www.catwithapen.com)

One of the things that really ‘got to me’ was after visiting the hospital for the 4th or 5th time, and being released - feeling much better…I went to visit one of my friends. We sat down and talked about how good I was feeling, how much better I looked and how my SI (self-injury) had been curbed for now.

Deep into the conversation, I suppose she felt I had changed quite a bit (and it wasn’t an alter she was dealing with?) she asked, “so, is it gone now? do you have just one of you?”. My heart sunk a bit. I didn’t want to disappoint her and say that I was the same but just working through things…did I? I wasn’t in the hospital for ‘integration’ or something. I was in the hospital for treatment when my issues were at the highest level of emergence. I was having issues with my alter that does SI, I was having suicidal ideation and other stresses were taking my life to a deep level of depression. I felt I couldn’t handle them and with my switching so often (personalities) I had to go in yet again. It was part ‘medication leveling’ and part pure breakdown.

You see, in 2004 I uncovered many memories that I think my mind just couldn’t handle. So, instead of trying to deal with them and working through them, I dissociated out of habit.

But, back to this friend. I told her, “well, no, they are all still there, I’ve just learned how to manage them a little and my goal is to not integrate but to work hard to ‘work together’ instead” - this answer seemed to satisfy her.

Because I have so many personalities, I also have diverse friendships formed. This is a friend I met at an Outdoor Club Meeting the year we moved here. In 2003 I had been admitted to Timberlawn in Dallas prior to our move (in March - we moved in Aug.) so I had worked through many issues but not all of them. When we met, we were there with our husbands/children. My husband met her husband and they began talking. I looked around that evening at the local “outdoor” club members. I realized, as did DH and his newfound friend, that we were the only ones there that weren’t classified ‘Seniors’ by the government. Yeah! We were… They were planning outings that involved weeks of being ‘off work’ in our eyes. They were retired and had the time so I guess they figured everyone else did. Our big goal was to make a younger Outdoor Club here in town…maybe we will someday? Anyhow, we met there and MM, the wife, had alot in common with me. We both did computer work (hers on a MAC and mine on a PC) and we had children we were chasing. We also liked alot of the same things. I really liked her and hoped our friendship bloomed.

Of course it did and many times during my treatments I would avoid her because I felt I was being judged by her. I would expose this to her later and hear, “hey, if I were going to judge you on this stuff, I’d be shallow!” so I let it go. I also heard her say many times that she liked my quirks and that she enjoyed being my friend, no matter what That always felt good. I feel she means that.

I guess I was just really raw when we were talking that day. She probably has no idea I even had issues with the comment. She told me later she felt naive about my diagnosis so maybe that day she was just inquiring into more about it and what she didn’t know…maybe.

I hope that we can grow our friendship - even if I’m quirky! She’s done quite alot in my life and blessed me with a great friend through ‘thick and thin’ and I feel our friendship is only at it’s baby stages still. I have lots of hope in her. I think she has alot of hope in me, too!