(copied off my blog, http://www.catwithapen.com)

One of the things that really ‘got to me’ was after visiting the hospital for the 4th or 5th time, and being released - feeling much better…I went to visit one of my friends. We sat down and talked about how good I was feeling, how much better I looked and how my SI (self-injury) had been curbed for now.

Deep into the conversation, I suppose she felt I had changed quite a bit (and it wasn’t an alter she was dealing with?) she asked, “so, is it gone now? do you have just one of you?”. My heart sunk a bit. I didn’t want to disappoint her and say that I was the same but just working through things…did I? I wasn’t in the hospital for ‘integration’ or something. I was in the hospital for treatment when my issues were at the highest level of emergence. I was having issues with my alter that does SI, I was having suicidal ideation and other stresses were taking my life to a deep level of depression. I felt I couldn’t handle them and with my switching so often (personalities) I had to go in yet again. It was part ‘medication leveling’ and part pure breakdown.

You see, in 2004 I uncovered many memories that I think my mind just couldn’t handle. So, instead of trying to deal with them and working through them, I dissociated out of habit.

But, back to this friend. I told her, “well, no, they are all still there, I’ve just learned how to manage them a little and my goal is to not integrate but to work hard to ‘work together’ instead” - this answer seemed to satisfy her.

Because I have so many personalities, I also have diverse friendships formed. This is a friend I met at an Outdoor Club Meeting the year we moved here. In 2003 I had been admitted to Timberlawn in Dallas prior to our move (in March - we moved in Aug.) so I had worked through many issues but not all of them. When we met, we were there with our husbands/children. My husband met her husband and they began talking. I looked around that evening at the local “outdoor” club members. I realized, as did DH and his newfound friend, that we were the only ones there that weren’t classified ‘Seniors’ by the government. Yeah! We were… They were planning outings that involved weeks of being ‘off work’ in our eyes. They were retired and had the time so I guess they figured everyone else did. Our big goal was to make a younger Outdoor Club here in town…maybe we will someday? Anyhow, we met there and MM, the wife, had alot in common with me. We both did computer work (hers on a MAC and mine on a PC) and we had children we were chasing. We also liked alot of the same things. I really liked her and hoped our friendship bloomed.

Of course it did and many times during my treatments I would avoid her because I felt I was being judged by her. I would expose this to her later and hear, “hey, if I were going to judge you on this stuff, I’d be shallow!” so I let it go. I also heard her say many times that she liked my quirks and that she enjoyed being my friend, no matter what That always felt good. I feel she means that.

I guess I was just really raw when we were talking that day. She probably has no idea I even had issues with the comment. She told me later she felt naive about my diagnosis so maybe that day she was just inquiring into more about it and what she didn’t know…maybe.

I hope that we can grow our friendship - even if I’m quirky! She’s done quite alot in my life and blessed me with a great friend through ‘thick and thin’ and I feel our friendship is only at it’s baby stages still. I have lots of hope in her. I think she has alot of hope in me, too!

(copied from my blog, http://www.aspenleafhosting.com/cat Living with Multiple Personalities)

Okay, admittedly I try very hard to be as normal as possible. I had a friend say, just recently, “you’re more normal than normal people!” and it made me think of two situations that have recently bothered me.

I have a very good friend and we were discussing a moment I had prior to her phone call. Basically, something had bothered me deeply and I was stressing out. I walked into the kitchen and my OCD hit me with anxiety feelings. I saw it was not cleaned and I went a little wacky. I told my husband I needed some help and everyone supported me as we cleaned but I could see in his eyes he knew I was flipping out a bit.

After we sorted this out, I was able to work through the problem elsewhere and things calmed down. I told my friend the story and she explained that it was completely normal and that all women have issues like that. I know her, she was trying to let me know that yes, it’s okay to flip out and be different but remember that others have the issue too. Or, maybe she wanted me to feel BETTER knowing I’m not alone, right?

There is a fine line between “normalizing” my mentall illness and “sympathizing” with my issues. I get irritated when the situation is “normalized” at every twist and turn. That is not what I’m seeking from others. I just want to be UNDERSTOOD. One of my triggers is being misunderstood. I have no idea why it bothers me so much but when she does this I feel just that…misunderstood.

That night I let it go but I talked to another friend about it to get it off my chest. I told her how people normalize things and she, having fought many anxiety attacks and issues, felt the same as I did. It isn’t that I want a pity party but it is that I want it acknowledged that I’ve fought my way here…and as normal as I might seem at times, it’s a daily, moment to moment fight for me. When you say “everyone has that issue” in a way that normalizes it, that feels like you’re crossing the line and not understanding a thing I say.

I’m extra sensitive to this because recently I had an altercation with another blogger online. I think too often I try so HARD to be normal, others see me as normal and then when things are expected of me that are normal and I cannot deliver, I’m seen as insensitive.

I don’t talk ‘crazy stuff’ on my blog everday for a good reason. I’m trying to heal. I don’t let my system speak out here as much as I’d like (yet) because, honestly, it could easily become a rambling mess. I sort through my thoughts and try to get them out here–as a way for me to heal. This is my processing spot so it seems more organized.

I can see why others think I seem more normal and organized than some. I take great pains to come here, I let my OCD kick in and control things where I can, and then I post and become involved.

I guess I just want to remind people that there is a real life out here. It’s not just a blogging community. Things happen behind the scenes that affect someone and create stress. It’s not very sensitive of you to assume that the blogging community is the only place I visit. It’s also not very sensitive of you to make demands on me when my struggles are so unseen at times. Think before you speak. Ponder before you blame. Don’t be selfish.

I try at every corner not to take myself too seriously. I keep in mind there are feelings on the other side of the monitor. I also know that if my children come into the room and need me, the computer is immediately second. If there is something in my life going on, my blog comes second. I pay attention to that with other bloggers and I try to understand that this is not the only world (although some spend so much time here they might get lost on that fact).

If you’re dealing with someone that’s explaining things, don’t normalize the condition to “make them feel more normal”, instead think about what they are saying and maybe just offer an ear. Sometimes that’s all we need.

If you’re dealing with someone online in a community–don’t make demands on them that you wouldn’t make on them if you were face to face. And, if you do that, realize that you are not the only person with issues and problems. Realize that life might be very stressful for other reasons that cannot be explained and take a moment to understand that.

Please?