As an introvert and painfully shy it has always posed a bit of a problem for me to communicate effectively with
others. I am not a talker. I am quiet and reserved which people often find threatening and if I am honest, many probably find me boring to be around.

I would compensate by acting the clown, making everyone laugh, in a way, to make me feel included. However, that only served to isolate myself even more as the real me - the depth of me - the angst of me - was hidden. So colluding with the sense of being alone and unable, and possibly unwilling to connect and communicate with others.

A defence mechanism perhaps to keep myself, and how I perceived myself, hidden out of fear of ridicule and rejection. Which parodixacally meant I did not find others willing to try to get to know me as I was so quiet and seemingly aloof and unapproachable - leading to a life of loneliness.

I was always interested in writing and as a teenager shared with a teacher that I would like to be an author. The response was one of derision. So from then on I kept my dreams to myself and listened to the voice of disbelief until I believed I could not write and was stupid to even try.

Yet, I enjoyed the process and the freedom to explore and create. I liked the way words often complimented each other and always enjoyed learning new words. I often created new words but that was mainly due to my inept typing skills.

I have written poems, shorts stories and more substantial pieces. I found that I was able to communicate through my writing some of what I wanted to share or express, even if under the guise of fiction. So question if my writing is nothing but self-indulgent.

Anyway the easy part was writing - the hard part was sharing. Yet, in truth, few people have read my work and those who I thought would be able to offer constructive criticism seemed to vanish... reinforcing the belief that my writing was not good enough.

I began putting pieces of work on my blog and would get responses but little in way of actual critique which I need to be able to learn. But I found the process of going public was liberating.

My illness, I struggle with borderline personality disorder, often limits my creative process but I write when I can and I am slowly realizing that it does not matter what others' think of my work so long as I enjoy the process and in the process I have a voice to communicate.