A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a
fourth grader at a public elementary school. However,
when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and
made it all the way to the child's classroom before a
teacher noticed and shoo'ed him outside, closing the
door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and
stared at the closed doors.

Then God appeared besidethe dog, patted his head, and said,
'Don't feel bad fella'.... they won't let ME in either.'

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are! Pass it on if you wish!

"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)

You're so suburban if:
Your lawn mower is more powerful than your first car.

Your kids have never crossed the street at a stoplight.

You have the luxury of a two-car garage, but the cars don't fit in it. —Cathy Polacek

You built a shed to house your Christmas decorations. —Cathy Polacek

Your commute is twice as long as what you tell people it is. —Harriet Russo

You pick your dog's haircut out of a magazine. —Jessica Cadwalleader

You drive your van a block to get milk.

You always return your grocery cart to the cart rack.

You have no idea if your town has a public bus service.

Your most recent night out was a parent/teacher conference.

You sometimes refer to summer as "garage sale season." —Angela Ferina

Your mortgage could balance the national debt in a third-world country.

You have ADT, a rottweiller, and motion-detector lights, but no curtains on your window.

You jog five miles a day but spend 30 minutes waiting for a closer parking space at the mall.
—You're So Suburban If … ," Suburban Focus (April 2002), pp. 6–8, 15, 26, 28

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources

92 YEAR OLD PREACHER............
While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a
Church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired
many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even
bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause
quieted down he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great
effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of
any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then
quietly and slowly he began to speak....

"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me
to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of
preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one
thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all
my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and
heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me... the only thing that
would comfort was this verse.........

"Jesus loves me this I know.

For the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong,

we are weak but He is strong.....

Yes, Jesus loves me...

The Bible tells me so."

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot
steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget
it.
A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the
children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn
sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they
knew it the best."

"Senior version of Jesus Loves Me"
Here is a new version just for us who have white hair or no hair at all. For
us over middle age (or even those almost there) and all you others check out
this newest version of Jesus Loves Me.

JESUS LOVES ME

Jesus loves me, this I know,

Though my hair is white as snow

Though my sight is growing dim,

Still He bids me trust in Him.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..

YES, JESUS LOVES ME FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,

With my hand in His I'll go

On through life, let come what may,

He'll be there to lead the way.

(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,

In my heart He puts a song.

Telling me in words so clear,

"Have no fear, for I am near."

(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,

And life's victories have been won.

He will take me home above,

Then I'll understand His love

(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does He know?

Have I ever told Him so?

Jesus loves to hear me say,

That I love Him every day.

(CHORUS)

If you think this is neat, please pass it on to your friends. If you do not
pass it on , nothing bad will happen, but you will have missed an
opportunity to "Reach out and Touch" a friend or a loved one.

God Bless Us All !!!

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.

Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sic k of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing:

'Break Forth Into Joy.'

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members

and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you

want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday after noon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.

Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to

lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their

electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use the large double door at the side entrance.