Why Our Kids Need To Fail!

I have watched with dismay the slow erosion of any kind of standards in schools, and what happens when one tries to buck the trend - even on a tiny scale.

I don’t know about other areas, but in our local school system I have watched the latest firestorm over one city school system putting in place a grading system where an “A” would be earned if you scored between 94 and 100 on whatever paper it was that was being graded. The brou ha ha was instant and fierce! Parents were up in arms at the “unfairness” of it all - one parent even called it “abusive”. Abusive? Excuse me! Did I hear that right?

These parents want the schools instead to adopt a “10-point” rule - where an “A” would be from 90 - 100, and so on down the line. Well, why don’t we just give them all “A”s and make it totally meaningless! We’ve already endured the “no red pencils” rule, as that might hurt the children’s little psyche to have things marked wrong in RED! Can’t have that! There are more examples, but you get the point.

This brought to mind a news story from not too long ago - about a young man - a teen-ager - who had been fired from his job at McDonalds. This upset him so badly that he obtained a gun, and proceeded to vent his anger with it. My feeling is (and this is entirely subjective) that had this teen-ager been allowed to fail a bit more earlier in his life, this event would not have loomed so large. Nor taken such a drastic solution.

This brought to mind my youngest son - who, when the high school graduation lists were put out - his name was not on it. Oh, he was angry - he called me, demanding that I call the teacher who failed him, thus preventing his graduating with his class. And I did - seems that he hadn’t turned in his homework for quite some time - he had done it - I had seen to that - he just never turned it in. Did I think this unfair? Would this ruin my son’s life? No and no. He made a choice and the schools were just letting him take the consequences (this was a few years back now). I called my son back, and told him to go look in the mirror, and that’s who he needed to be mad at! He went on to summer school and got the diploma in the mail - but when he later went on to further his education - he never missed handing in an assignment. Hmmmm - failure taught him a valuable lesson.

Going even further back - when I was in school - I was a Senior, and loved school - loved to learn (still do), and got really good grades. I was up for the National Honor Society - and my application was refused! What! How could this be?! I was appalled - and telling my parents this was not easy - I was the “good” kid. Why was I turned down? Because I smoked! Yup - back in the day, part of the requirements was “good character” and smoking in defiance of known school rules (I went to a boarding school) was enough to keep me out. Did my parents get up in arms? Did they complain? Uh-uh. You makes your choices and you pays the price - as the saying goes. This failure on my part made me take a hard look at my behavior and how it affected my life. So, again…..failure taught me a good lesson.

I think we have lost sight of the value failure has. How else do we measure success? How would being “the best” have any meaning at all? There is nothing wrong with having high standards and enforcing them - if you raise the bar, the ones who want it will rise to the occasion - and those who don’t - should fail. And learn from it.

July 14, 2008 |

Comments

16 Comments so far

Half-Past Kissin' Time July 14, 2008 2:48 pm
AMEN, Sista! My husband is guilty of trying to rescue the kids too often. I try to tell him that it will be okay if they hurt a little bit; he doesn’t help them by running to school with their forgotten papers, etc. God love him, but kids need to learn from their mistakes, big and small. We need to stop teaching kids to avoid pain at all cost (that’s how drug abuse is reinforced, too; “You can’t handle that pain; go have a drink! smoke! whatever.) Honestly, you do not self-destruct as a result of feeling embarrassed, ashamed, sad, etc. Teaching kids to go THROUGH it, rather than AROUND it is just good parenting, even though it’s hard to watch sometimes…
Tom July 14, 2008 3:30 pm
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!!! You are so correct. This is the kind of thing that needs to be burned into the hearts and minds of those who would undo the notions of consequences. By removing hurdles, you sentence the kids into being able to succeed at nothing. WIthout challenge, we atrophy - that includes mental as well as physical challenges.

I just don’t see how it is that this trend of glorifying mediocrity is gaining such strength. It’s just sad.
keenan, Skiing July 14, 2008 4:54 pm
BRAVO! I could not have said it any better. I have said for years, the reason Teen Suicide and school shootings have increased is because we are stunting the coping mechanisms of our children Failure, humiliation, embarrassment, loss, defeat etc, are critical to our childrens’ development. With out them, they do not learn to cope.

Coping is on of the most critical life skills. It is at the core of mental preparation and mental toughness. With out it, one is doomed! We can not deny our children of such a critical skill, its criminal.
Mr Lady, 30 Something July 14, 2008 5:28 pm
BRAVO! I do NOT bubble parent, for sure. My kids have had concussions, infections, failing grades. They have not been picked for teams, they have not been invited to birthday parties. And I’m glad for all of it. It makes them strong people.

BRAVO!
ourcrookedtree, Moms July 14, 2008 6:31 pm
Ditto! I also can not stand it when teams are not allowed to have winners or losers. Since when are there no championship games?
Bad Momma, Moms July 14, 2008 7:46 pm
One of the hardest things I’ve had to do as a parent, was to let my child fail. My oldest has a habit of putting off homework or “suddenly remembering” right before bedtime, he hadn’t finished his work.

At first we would let him stay up late to finish & we (my husband) started to make him go to bed and
not allow my son to stay up late. Hubby also refuses to sign any permission slips or papers in the morning. It all has to be done the night before. There have been lost points over this but an impression was made.

One of my pet peeves about society in general is our sense of entitlement and lack of responsibility for our actions.

Good post!
P G, Dads July 14, 2008 11:40 pm
Best post I’ve read all week! (Yeah I know it’s only just slipped into Tuesday here on the east coast, but it’s definitely the leader in the clubhouse!)

I agree whole heatedly with the sentiment, and it’s well written! BRAVO!
NukeDad, Dads July 15, 2008 1:10 am
Preachin’ to the choir with me. I coached at the YMCA for the first time this year. In the coaches meeting they were adamant in telling us that “We don’t keep score”. Why? The kids do!

You want to know what happens when you don’t allow kids to fail? They end up buying houses and cars they can’t afford, they expect their first job out of college THAT MOM AND DAD PAID FOR to pay $100k, that job may be for a company that sells mortgages to people that can’t afford them, and when they can’t afford to pay for those things, they expect you and I to bail them out. Look at what happened today-you and I get to pay for all of the mortgages that over-extenders and house flippers knew they would never be held accountable for.

Never failing=never learning.
Weaselmomma, Moms July 15, 2008 9:20 am
Amen Trysh! I have regularly been bothered by the concept of rewarding kids for nothing. What is the use of social promotion. Doesn’t matter if the kid can do the work or not, we don’t want to hurt his feelings, so we will tell him “great job” and push him onto the next step, that he will fail at because he hasn’t mastered the previous step. How is this good for a kids talent set or self esteem.
Bill Gates gave a commencement address once where he told the grads all the things that they had not learned in school, i.e. in the real world you can not expect to be praised until you actually accomplish something. Your boss will not pat you on the back every time you do something well, it’s your job and you’re paid to do it, it is expected of you.
Don’t expect a special certificate and pizza party for ‘participation’.
These are things that the current generation has yet to learn. It is why they do not know how to deal with disappointment, failure or how to learn from mistakes.
tenakim, Moms July 15, 2008 3:52 pm
OH Brother! I’m with the comments- I don’t know who got their panties in a bunch- we all seem to agree here!

I am lucky, my kids go to a Private school and their grading schedule is 94-100- A. My son is going into 8th grade and just found out that the public school has the 10pt difference in their grading schedule- he felt jipped!

I agree though that failure is good for them and teaches them more in life than getting everything easy!
stewartallyn, Dads July 16, 2008 7:34 pm
I disagree with a lot of things in the school system and I will go to bat for my kids…but only after I learn the WHOLE story.

If my kid was in the right…I will fight.

If my kid is in the wrong…well…you do the crime, you do the time…and he hates detention. Lesson learned.
Rita July 17, 2008 11:01 am
Thank you! This is how character is built. We fail, we fall, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try again. And hopefully we’ll have learned something from the experience. Loved the blog.
Leo August 13, 2008 5:00 pm
I completely understand what you are saying. We don’t “run” to school with forgotten papers but we are on the kids quite harshly about completing their work and being responsible for their actions. So letting them fail is well within our training but my question is “How far do you let them fail?” My wife and I are at our wits end with our kids, 2 15 year olds and 1 10 year old. One of them seems quite comfortable at just breathing and nothing else and never has a reason for any forgotten, lost, missed or simply not done homework.. Do I continue to let this happen. I know what’s it’s like to be at rock bottom, I lived in a trash can for some time and obviously I don’t want that for my kids and that’s where I have a problem with letting them fail… Any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
MidoriMiller, Real Estate September 5, 2008 9:16 pm
Rescue too often and you will be dealing with bigger problems. We teach the kids right from wrong and at some point..they have to held accountable for the decisions they make. My sons are in their 20’s now I only wish I was a bit tougher with them. They turned out just fine and I am proud..but I think..if I was tougher they would be better prepared for the world where I can no longer protect them from. Failure is needed..for learning..for perspective..and for living. Can’t tell you how many times I failed but would never ever trade the lesson learned and knowledge gained from doing so. Great post and oh so true…
CrazyGuy September 11, 2008 8:53 am
Well said! Its best to let the kids fail and then learn how to succeed rather than “prop them up” their whole lives. At some point, everyone needs to learn you don’t win just by showing up! As a former Little League coach of winning and losing teams and long time Boy Scout leader I can tell you your kids are tough but they have to learn by experiencing both failure and success.
Dddiva, Moms October 7, 2008 9:04 am
I blogged about this same thing not long ago, how the kids are given no incentive to try any more. Good for you letting your son face the consequences, exactly what I would have done.