The Truth About My Rare Jungle Condition

I was once told that it was a rare skin condition from the jungles of South Africa. No shit. A doctor actually told my mother that. We were told that it would get larger and it should be removed. Only, there is a problem with that. The hair might never grow back where the crazy jungle bump was located, if taken off. I was only eight at the time and the thought of walking the earth with a bald spot smack dab in the middle of my head, did not strike me as attractive. I would grow to be a lonely, hermit woman that the neighborhood children would point and whisper about whenever I left the house to buy more food for my thousand cats.

No thanks. I’ll take my chances and leave the horrendous skin condition alone. It is a good damn thing that my mother agreed. We both left the doctor’s office in a state of disbelief at his idiocy. The bump never got bigger. It never mutated into a conjoined arm or other such oddity that would cause my family to sell me to the local freak show. In fact, it is the same old size, shape and color that it was 21 years ago. So what the hell was that gooney bird doctor talking about anyway? I would venture to say that he was having a bad acid trip and made me the recipient of his hallucinations. Lucky me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are times when I wish it wasn’t there. Like when I’m at a new hairdresser and she starts to color my roots. I always debate whether to warn her of my little brown secret, or wait to see if she screams out in horror. If she doesn’t scream, she’s a keeper! Sometimes, if I give a warning, they act as if they expect to find some ungodly growth that may reach out and bite them. “Oh for crap’s sake,” I think as they carefully sift through my hair, looking for the monsterous unknown, “it is just a birth mark!” But I’m sure they have to be cautious, because they probably have encountered some freaky shit in their profession.

You see, the truth about my birthmark reveals an even deeper truth. Yes, it is just a brown bump on my head. No, I’ve never actually seen it, but I’ve been told by trustworthy sources. No, it is not some rare jungle disease. Even if it is (which it isn’t,) I’ll keep it, as it isn’t bothersome and has not eaten any hairdressers. The bigger truth here, is that doctors are very often full of crap. When they feel like lining their pockets with some extra green (which is usually the case,) they just make something up horrible sounding and prescribe a pill or cut it off altogether and do a inconclusive biopsy. It makes me wonder how many people are walking around, worying about their rare skin conditions or incurable stomach ailments, when in fact they just have a birthmark or just need to fart?

June 23, 2008 |

Comments

5 Comments so far

ourcrookedtree, Moms June 23, 2008 11:27 am
So true! I do think part of the issue is society’s need to be “diagnosed”. We want instant gratification, to be fixed. “Give me a pill and move on” they say! Sometimes we just need to wait it out, or deal with whatever it might be. Even if it is a hairdresser eating mutating conjoined arm ☺
sjoukes, Women June 23, 2008 11:28 am
a doctor with an imagination but no qualifications by the sounds of it..lucky for you.. your Mother had more sense :>))
stewartallyn, Dads June 23, 2008 12:25 pm
“…or just need to fart?”

love that line.
trysh, Crafting June 23, 2008 12:59 pm
This was especially apropos for me today….and I nearly lost it reading the line “doctors are very often full of crap” - ahem - now that I’m up off the floor, I couldn’t agree more!
Partly our fault tho - if we didn’t insist on going in for every little thing and getting a pill for it - they wouldn’t be so willing to just do that to get rid of us…or maybe they would.
Don’t listen t me, I’m not sane today!
Birdie June 23, 2008 11:53 pm
farting never hurt anyone and I recommend it. My question is, where’s the picture???