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The enabling must stop, because it doesn’t hold one accountable for their actions, including the enabler…
Best intentions sometimes are the worst, and some people need to hit rock bottom before they take action.
Have you ever enabled someone you cared about?
And it wasn’t meant to be that way at first…
Three years you’ve known each other and you are friends with someone whose life at one point was just fine and moving along…
Intangibly, your friendship was in balance…a give and take with regards to emotional support, help, and the occasional favour for each other…
Then your friend’s husband loses his job, your friend can’t work, they’ve got more kids under 9 years old than the average 2 or 3 to feed, and they get kicked out of their townhouse for late rent as a result of the non cash flow coming to their house with no job…
Soon rent payments in their new place also seem to be slipping and late every month. They start going to the foodbank because they simply don’t have enough financially to cover everything.
Your friend looks distraught but puts away her pride when she asks you if she can temporarily borrow money from you for a week, until her husband gets paid.
Something about this whole scene doesn’t feel right to you, but this had never happened between the two of you before. So you lend your friend money to pay their rent on time and she immediately pays you back the following week as she said she would.
The second time you do this 3-4 months later, she says she’ll pay you back in 2 weeks, then it stretches to a month, then 2 months…she is apologetic as she doesn’t outright ask you if it is okay, but kind of mumbles about this back bill and that and how she wants to pay you as soon as she can pay the bills off…and eventually it doesn’t get mentioned as you can see their bills climbing and financial obligations of more “negative consequence” take precedence over paying back a friend lending money.
You decide that is the last time you lend them a large sum of money as they try to climb out of an ever deepening financial deficit. Occasionally, you add a few items to your groceries to pass to them to help them out, some milk here, some meat there…
You wonder if they’ll ever get out of their rut?
Almost three years passes to present time, and now you’ve known each other for six years. Within the two years after her husband lost his job, he manages to work at another 2-3 jobs, each lasting 4-6 months before he gets laid off again either with downsizing companies or company buy-outs. He tries to start his own consulting business from home. But is it him or is it coincidence that bad luck in the job area seem to follow him around?
Each time, each job looks promising to get them back on track, you are happy for them but this still doesn’t seem to make their mounting bills go away.
By your observations, your friend continues to seem overwhelmed even though she says she isn’t. With so many young mouths to feed, overflowing dirty dishes covering every counter space, never ending laundry, and a 2800sq ft house maintained mostly by one willing adult, you find it unbelievable that she couldn’t be tired, wiped out, and done.
You could be wrong, but you sense she doesn’t want to be at home, that she wants to get away for a few hours a day, away from the mess, away from the constant bills, away from not being able to keep up with the maintenance…she says its no big deal, but she looks depressed to you.
She is happy and appreciative with the occasional groceries you or other friends bring, or the times any of you come to her house to help her reduce a progressive unmanageable state. She looks relieved she can often drop in on you to get away and forget for awhile. You feel the least you can do is be around to lend a supportive hand or be that solid friend, but you are slowly being drained….
At first she came a few times a week for a few hours each time and you would stop your projects and errands to be a hostess. This happened for the first few years. Your children in the last year are all finally at school all day so you have at least 5 hours free to do what you need to do.
But then you sense her emotional state has worsened, she keeps giving you the attitude that she is handling everything, that she just needs more time to get everything in order, but her actions speak louder than words, as she starts visiting more frequently.
You really do like her company; Why else would you be friends in the first place? She is articulate, insightful and knowledgeable in many topics. She is also wacky and fun. You have a kind undisciplined heart and you let her disrupt your day, but you find it difficult with the interruption, as it encourages procrastination on your own work and errands.
You do fully admit that it is equally your fault for letting her stay. You feel guilty that your life is financially less stressed than hers, that you can afford your kid’s extracurricular activities or the new things in your house. And when you see her silent wistful look as she remembers when she could do the same things but now can’t, you feel sorry for her so you don’t tell her to leave.
Your original MO to all your friends, “make yourself at home, come drop by anytime” worked well with considerate moderation from all your friends…
But somehow with her own life in disarray, this friend truly has made herself at home in your home, and not only often disrupts your time, but sits and rests in your home too often, and still owes you quite a bit of money.
You end up serving her coffee while her 2 younger ones run amuck in your house making a mess of toys and objects. You notice she is slow to pick up after them at your house and you either have to ask her to do it or you end up picking up alot of what she’s missed.
The friendship is no longer in balance and you realize making her comfortable and being someone she can lean on, has now made you feel more like an enabler than a friend.
And it wasn’t meant to be that way at first…
The first year you pegged it to simple bad luck for your friend.
The second year you thought things might get better with the various jobs.
The third year the status quo continues and you now see no end in sight.
Three years of being a sympathetic friend and wishing their troubles would finally go away, that their family would get back on track… you observe her situation doesn’t get better. You quietly observe and disagree with your friend and her husband’s money management choices, in light of their current financial situation.
Your money, your time, and your energy was given without reservation and in the beginning, you didn’t give any of that a second thought. But as time moved on your opinion changed and all you can see, although her viewpoint about her effort would probably be different, is the seemingly minimal effort on her or her husband’s part to improve their situation.
There have been opportunities she spoke of to increase their financial situation….things she said she would do, odd jobs for extra cash she said shouldn’t be too difficult for her to implement, but didn’t. Maybe the excuse could be that she had so much to deal with at home, that she is too overwhelmed.
They are in a constant cycle of reaction instead of action.
When did her life situation start leaching into your life? When did a few months of trouble become three years? When did the friendship become so unbalanced?
The years you knew with her before are not the years they are now…
You have watched how so many of her friends, you included, have supported her family throughout the three years on so many occasions and continue to do so; a car repair here, donated groceries there, borrowed or kept money for this and that, things bought for her kids through a generous thought, but their family manages to barely keep afloat and nothing more.
The enabling must stop, because it doesn’t hold one accountable for their actions, including the enabler…
Best intentions sometimes are the worst, and some people need to hit rock bottom before they take action…
June 1, 2008 |
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7 Comments so far
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Mr Lady, 30 Something June 1, 2008 5:13 pm
THAT is a wonderful post, and a truly difficult position to be in. Keep us posted, and good luck! Thank you for sharing…
trysh, Crafting June 1, 2008 6:35 pm
I have never been in that situation, but I can sure see how easily the favors become the lifestyle, almost without your knowing.
Very insightful post, and hopefully the enabling can stop without the friendship following.
Melisa, Women June 2, 2008 5:50 am
Wow, powerful post! Thanks for putting that up here. Best of luck to you and your friend…I hope things turn around for her.
Maureen, Painting/Drawing June 2, 2008 10:59 am
Wow… how good intentions can go bad. But you are right; obviously they need some kind of kick in the pants to start standing on their own two feet and begin to take responsibility for thier decisions and actions.
Unfortunately, the friendship may not survive such a revelation. I hope so, but from what I read, if she were truely a friend, she would see that her lifestyle is affecting you too, in a negative way.
It’s the old “give a man a fish, versus teach a man to fish”… but should it be you that has to teach? No. Sounds like they need professional help and you need some breathing room.
juliemarg, Travel June 2, 2008 11:20 pm
great post Ali. Good luck … it’s so hard when friendship turns sour.
Bonnie, Sales/Marketing June 3, 2008 6:26 am
Great post! It is hard to watch someone fail but so true about how
“some people need to hit rock bottom before they take action…”
Time for some tough-love and setting boundaries, as well as an honest chat. Not easy but you’ll feel so much better after you do. I don’t envy your position.(Been there!)
Best of luck!
RealWorldMom, Moms June 3, 2008 9:55 am
That is a horrible situation to be in. I hope that you find a way to reach a peaceful solution for yourself.
Several years ago, I ended a 20+ year friendship because I finally realized how one-sided and draining it was on me. I was always available to her, but she never had the time for me when I reached out to her.
When I removed her from my life, it was as if a great weight was lifted from my shoulders.
At least you’ve caught on much faster than I did! Best of luck to you!