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He has a mother and father who love him more than life itself. His dad is a doctor who works just three days a week. His mom (a friend of mine) is a an outstanding educator and the kind of mom people admire for her dedication to her children. He attends a large high school in a white-collar, suburban school district filled with opportunity. He has two older brothers who are shining stars and who love him like only brothers do. His extended family surrounds him; not a week goes by that they are not together in some kind of social gathering; grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins laughing, cooking, celebrating their successes and supporting each other through the everyday problems in life. This family has been living the American Dream.
He chose the wrong friends in middle school, but managed to pull away and reinvent himself for a while. Before long, though, he found himself again drawn to peers who were headed in the wrong direction. Soon, the lies began, followed by sinking grades, pot-smoking, and sneaking out. He has one year of school left, but no hope of graduating with his peers, now.
He had a great job and was rising up in the ranks, hoping to become a chef. That ended when he lost the job; he had been caught buying drugs at work. Buying drugs??! His mom was shocked; how could this be? Why was this happening? He dropped the veil of secrecy and told his parents that he is addicted to Oxycontin but would take anything he could get his hands on; pot, cocaine, etc.
They did the only thing that could be done; checking him into drug treatment, but after seven days, the insurance company said they would no longer pay; he was detoxed and that was as far as they were willing to go with a drug addict. (The prognosis for drug treatment is apparently not very good; it’s not unheard of to take 6-7 tries before the addicted person might stay clean.) Since then (a month ago), he has not been clean, in spite of near constant supervision.
He is allowed to go to school and attend NA meetings only. However, this week, he came out of a meeting high as a kite. When his mom threatened another drug test, he told her he’d save her the money and told her that he was high on heroine. Heroine? Heroine??! How the hell did heroine find it’s way into their middle class community?!
My friend is beside herself; broken down, crying on and off all day. She recently learned that their son has been selling heroine for a dealer, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night. He doesn’t even have his cellphone or a car, but he is managing to get his drugs. They are helpless to break the grip of these drugs on their boy. The next step is back to in-patient treatment, this time to deplete their savings. If that doesn’t work (and statistics say it won’t), they’re told to turn him out of their home. This, of course, goes against every fiber of a mother’s or father’s being, but what else can they do?
Please, pray for my friend and her son. I fear I will soon be attending a funeral for this young man (or at the very least, visiting him in prison.) My friend feels her heart being torn from her chest. She has been the most involved, supportive parent a child could ask for. She has attended every parent meeting, read every book, and followed every bit of guidance given by the experts to help her son. In spite of that, he has become pulled into a grip that can only lead to death.
I wish I could help. Supporting my friend, listening, and writing this post are the only things I can think of to do. Let me know if you know anything else that might help. Thanks.
May 31, 2008 |
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trysh, Crafting May 31, 2008 4:21 pm
I do know, as the Mom of a ‘recovering’ (my son would say - once you are one, you are one - you have just chosen this day to not act on it) crack addict, that it is not the parents fault. I too, was one of those concerned, involved parents - to no avail.
He has to hit bottom - and that may take turning him out. I had to. He hit bottom, checked himself into rehab, and beat the odds. It was a long and difficult road to rebuild his life, but he did it, and has become the man I always knew he could be.
Tell them to never, ever ,ever give up hope! That, and prayer is all the parents have - use them! This is one battle that has to be fought by the addict himself, but it can be done. I pray that he is one who makes it.
rilah, Women May 31, 2008 5:26 pm
exactly what trysh said. he has to hit bottom and often, that means losing financial backing and a home and all of the american dream that you’ve spoken of. it’s one thing for a parent to repeatedly try to help their child get clean - even make rules for them to do so - but the simple fact is that it will only happen when he wants it to, and even then, it might take several tries.
in all honestly, repeatedly trying for the family and not himself, will probably feed the addiction more than not, since it can be felt as a personal failure and letting the family down, etc. etc.
i really suggest your friend and her family get some support, attend some meetings themselves. it helps, if you let it.
Annie Ilene June 4, 2008 10:53 am
I agree with the former statements. The worst nightmare for a parent is to find their child in a place, where they cannot help them. Unfortunately, the only principal that works to get clean is when an individual “hits bottom” or comes to the point (usually pretty far gone) that only he/she can want a better life. I say “unfortunately” because this concept is even hard for fully grown adults to understand, accept, and take the first steps toward self-healing. Children and teenagers, unfortunately, haven’t developed those skills. What does the parent do in the meantime. Some of the actions include heart wrenching acts on the part of the parent, such as putting them out of their home. It’s horrible. The bottom line truth, though, is that there is “not much” another person can do for an addict, except to hope that somehow they don’t end up a statistic. In the meantime, I believe parents can investigate where this “stuff” is coming from. Especially, since OxyContin and other pain medications are legally produced drugs. President Bush says that drug money supplies the “terrorists” and their weapons. OxyContin is part of that supply of illegal drugs, yet it is legally produced by pharmaceutical companies. OxyContin is legal heroin. Vicodan is a legal drug for pain. Most OxyContin users/addicts turn to heroin because it’s cheaper. OxyContin comes from the same poppy fields, the same plant, that cocaine and heroin come from. The only difference is that it is “legal” and it has a slightly different formula for the process of manufacturing the drug. Parents would be amazed at the answer for “how does OxyContin, a legal drug used for pain patients, get into the stomach of my son or daughter”. The answer is; that the pharmaceutical companies are producing these drugs to meet the demand from the pain patients, AS WELL AS, the illegal drug dealing entities. They are fully aware of how many pain patients require their drugs. However, that number does not bring in BILLIONS in revenue. Our teenagers are the contributers to THAT bottom line. Parents shouldn’t waste time blaming themselves about how they might have not been the perfect parent. They should look at all the factors that go into making their job of parenting so difficult today. Parents are not responsible for the obsene amounts of prescription drugs, legally “produced”, that are swimming through the halls of high school. My heart goes out to all of you.
Annie
smoking oxycontin July 24, 2008 4:20 am
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