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With the passing of my husband’s father on Tuesday, the inevitable events that follow, kept us busy this weekend. There was no relationship to speak of between he and myself or even my children and him. He was my husband’s father. He was biologically a paternal grandfather to my kids. I struggle when people refer to him as my father in law. There was no animosity- or at least I try my best not to show it. I simply did not- and was not given the chance to- know the man.
These facts made the, normally, emotionally- draining events uncomfortable for me. First and foremost, I wanted to be a pillar of strength and support at the time of my husband’s mourning. I didn’t want to discount any of the pain that he was, clearly, feeling. I wanted to explain the situation to my kids in a way that would not scare or confuse them, while still respecting that he was their dad’s dad. I didn’t want to show any signs of discontent with his lack of interest in our lives in the last 13 years. I wanted to show respect to a family that has never really accepted me as one of their own for the loss of their patriarch.
Under normal circumstances, death is such a hard thing to deal with. My husband is struggling badly with his loss. I know he is heartbroken with the thought that he will not be able to talk to his dad anymore.
I, however, am struggling, as well, for very different reasons. I walked through the weekend on pins and needles hoping not to inadvertently blurt out my true feelings. My husband will not have to feel dejected by his dad anymore. My husband will not have to second- guess his every action in hopes of impressing his father. My mother in law will not have to break herself, physically, tending to a man that was bedridden and dependant on her for his every breath. His sisters will not have to guess how their brother is doing and be saddened by the severed relationships that they had with him. Most of all, he will no longer struggle with the demons that he had struggled with for so long. The anger, the pain, the fear, the anxiety, and the insecurities that he battled for so long, that caused all of the strained relationships that happened in his life, are gone. As draining as the events that follow death can become, his life had become just as draining.
As an outsider, it is easy for me to see and to feel this way. I didn’t have the emotional ties and memories. My hope for my husband and his family is a sincere one of healing. I hope in time, his family can all put his life into perspective and let him rest in peace, finally.
May 4, 2008 |
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RealWorldMom, Moms May 5, 2008 6:33 am
That must have been an awful experience to go through. My in-laws and I had a not-so-great relationship, but my (soon to be) ex husband was close to them–especially his father. Strained relationships make life–and death–more difficult to deal with. I hope that you and your husband will find the peace that you deserve.
Joeprah, Dads May 5, 2008 6:50 am
Tenakim,
Time will give perspective to this passing and the tough times your husband had to deal with. Right now though you are doing the right thing, lending support and being emotionally available for him during this difficult time.
Joe
trysh, Crafting May 5, 2008 10:06 am
Wow - what a difficult position to be in - but it looks like you handled it admirably. It is so hard to balance things, to let what good there is shine through without letting bitterness creep in. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you all grow closer through this experience.
Half-Past Kissin' Time May 5, 2008 11:27 am
I will hope for the same; I have a feeling that understanding will come. My dad got sick and died in the span of 5 days; just enough time to say goodbye. He was the same way with my mom (even when he wasn’t sick), so we all considered it a gift to us that he passed so quickly. That older generation is funny when it comes to emotions. So sad that they cannot let their demons go before they pass.